I know that Distance overpowers Intuition, but please assure me that YOU.CAN.BE.TRUSTED.
Don't leave me faithless.

Enterra mi corazón, por favor.
Y cantaré para ti.


A ambos usted y ti: The future is sill unknown, and I have lost my direction. Lost, in the swirling spiritual world, and off-balanced. And I can't know it better that nobody is there to guide me, or you. I shall not pray for anything, for I don't know what I am looking for, and you shall smile a sad, resigned smile at my fragmented sentences and thoughts. Fate does not grant the power to control, neither to you, nor to me. Therefore I pale, in this summer night. And you? It's a frail Spring in the middle of its course, coming to an end, although I subconsciously wish it eternal. Oh eternality cannot be promised. We are too aware of this. Tenderly you cast your untouchable shadow into my heart, and thus I learn the hymn. A song without proper lyrics, despite the mesmerizing melody. So here we are, you unseeing, I unseen. You wandering lonely, I gazing at you, trying to read your heart. But you give me that incomprehensible look, and both of us turn away, leaving the distance in between. A dream repeated and remembered time after time stretches itself into darkness. Into an state of unknowingness and forlornness. You are not a fairytale, and heroism does not last. Reality announces its ultimate coronation when Dream shrinks. So who's the loser, who's the ruler. Not you, not me. Let us wait and see. Best wishes.

Su mirada me trastorna.
Estoy confundida y incierta.

But I am afraid of losing you.

I am foolish... I am too engrossed in my own thoughts and interpretations.
Whatever...
Please ignore me...

*sneer*sneer*sneer*

Going to Taiwan at the end of May. There is this song End of May, of Keren Ann if I remember correctly, lackadaisical and dreamlike. Like how I am now, spiritless, and too drained to express any excitement. Our WoW will be a memorable one, I hope. Hope...

The thought of being separated from my classmates makes my heart sink. The sight of the unfamiliar faces constantly reminds me of how ironic it is, that I rarely share any class with my own classmates, that I am a member of the class but am kept drifting elsewhere, that the distance might only be widened across the bridge. English in my own classroom, history in 5.16, maths 5.15, chem B307, Spanish B309, and lastly, BM in C3-06. Each one of a different venue, and together force me to stroll here and there, up and dow. Day in, day out. Is this what exhausts me, that I can't find somewhere peaceful enough for a rest? It is not something unpleasant to get to know more people, but the sense of unfamiliarity can be confusing. Sometimes I may just fail to gather myself to socialize. Sigh. This journeying and journeying day by day...

Okay, I am now to sweep the negative thoughts and feelings away from my mind. Need to reiterate that the confirmation of our Taiwan trip really heartened me. Have decided that I shall prepare an extra CF card instead of taking my laptop there, which will definitely trap me into lethargy. And what about the tripod? I'd better take it as well in case the camera needs to be stabilized. I can't wait for the day.

Oh well, it is true that many creatures around me add colour to my school life in many different ways, but sometimes I just want to hide myself in the comfort of my own classroom and rest...

謁金門三首
[清]鄭文焯

行不得。黦地衰楊愁折。霜裂馬聲寒特特。雁飛關月黑。
目斷浮雲西北。不忍思君顏色。昨日主人今日客。青山非故國。　

留不得。腸斷故宮秋色。瑤殿瓊樓波影直。夕陽人獨立。
見說長安如弈。不忍問君蹤迹。水驛山郵都未識。夢囘何處覓。

歸不得。一夜林鳥頭白。落月關山何處笛。馬嘶還向北。
魚雁沈沈江國。不忍聞君消息。恨不奮飛生六翼。亂雲愁似幕。

爱极爱极。

Look at my insane subject combination, what have I got myself into? EL can well kill me with the bundle of written commentaries to be done in the coming course. It has come to the end of the holiday and I suddenly (and finally) realized that I have done so miserably little for my studies. Still lazy as ever, and start to panic in the last minute. Guess that this is the nature of a Libran so I cannot run away from it. How the zodiac describes and determines a person's fate. And the many other subjects, all equally laborious and exhausting, except that I have the passion for some (which keeps me working on) while indifferent to the others (such as chem.!!!). But even passion doesn't help to change the inevitability of doing loads of work. Neither does any form of lament. I guess I have begun to sound so-called whining and moaning, which is so much not my style. Changed by life. Frustrating and irritating isn't it.

...I shall not grumble here any more. Must find something to do, no matter how insignificant that thing is.

C'est très bien!
Felicitations 琉璃 mon amie!
Je vous souhaite le succes!

Sadame. Means 'Fate'.

Made me so much think of Eva. Already four or five years since I heard of it for the first time?And for TB, even longer.

Do I have any homework?

This is such a simple question to which I find no answer, except that I know I owe some teachers something, but that I don't bother to do it. I haven't been in a holiday mood for the past one week, busy doing nothing but seemingly busy all the time. Again my time (as precious as the chocolate, according to 二徒弟) is wasted.

*******************************************

-=I'd better list what I have done=-

-Went hysterical (because of SYPC) and laughed really hard until YY and SJ stared at me speechless;

-watched X Clamp and wept at 3 am for the death of Inuki. Well I somehow feel that it is screwed up but anyway Inuki is lovable and so is Subaru. Totally ignored Kamui and Fuma, hero and villain without remarkable character traits. Flat characters but appeals to kids I guess, although is too pessimistic and oppressive for them. Visually amazing and beautiful music. Plot not so confusing as well. Anyway it is so clamp.

- finished 契丹萧太后. Has been years since I followed it last time. Glad to find that my passion for ping shu never faded and this time my perspective changed I guess. I am no longer a primary schoolgirl anyway. Ought to feel differently. Oh maybe I should write something for it but laziness is dominant.

-fixed the bookcase. Marvellous! I have done such a tremendous job. Oh now such a mess on my desk but under it everything is cleared away. And nice bookcase, except that I have to place boxes of medicine on it making it look a bit funny. And washed tons of clothes. My hands need the whatever scream desperately.

-Didn't take a single photo. (No comments on this.)

-Read a couple of pages of The Wuthering Heights, far from my target. Didn't touch God of Small Things at all.

-Forgot to extend the library card.

-=etc etc etc =-

**********************************************

Need to do housework some more.

People say I've been crazy all day...I don't know what is wrong, but I seem to be super high.laughing like mad and making my roommate so traumatized. I don't know what is so funny hahaha. Guess that it is because of sypc today, but don't know the exact cause. Anyway today is a rather nice day, I nearly forgot where I was. Oh well.

Recognized one of the two photos sent by Crescent, and had this surge of reminiscence. So drained by the boredom, standing alone at the bridge, gazing at nothing in particular, and thinking about nothing in particular. Talking to people kept me cheerful, being occupied by work enriched me, but loitering around with nothing to do really depressed me. My mood changed so many times this afternoon. Haha. Gonna see my juniors tomorrow.

Didn’t know the Madrid-Barça conflict involves the miserable history of Spanish Civil War. Such a beautiful lovely country, so many year fighting back tears, why can’t the past just die? I love Madrid, but I hate their consciousness of their so-called superiority. Isn’t it that all Spanish sons are supposed to be equal? Frankly speaking I really cannot imagine the hatred they bear; they are such romantic, youthful,l loving people. Don’t they realize how painful it is to see a country divided? It is hurtful even to a foreigner like me. Maybe human effort simply does not help; it is a matter of providence. Like how individuals are destined to live a certain kind of life, a country is destined to survive a certain way as well. Sigh. But this is a country to be treasured, dear to the hearts. May it be blessed. I believe so.

Have to practise poetry-writing, so awkward and uneasy with it now.

3-3. still made me sad.
It always hurts to see the conflicts within the beloved nation.
Catalan doesn't make sense to me at all, which makes me disheartened.
May España be united.

Saint Iker Casillas, gracias. I see how you have aged by the heaviest responsibility, and how you fulfill the duty as a saviour. No longer the sorrowfree boy I remembered five years ago. You look drained dear, maybe you need a rest. Or you need Victory, in order to sooth you to console you. Oh you must have been so tense so laboured, but you alone simply could not make any change. The situation was beyond your control. But you shone anyway, you were impressive. I am, and have always been, in awe of you. Of your youthful resilience, your toughness, your mature anxiety. Of everything about you. You are my hero, you have always been. Ours. In national team, and in Madrid. You are the modest icon who never shows off. You are the fearless. Yes Iker, no one compares to you. You will never pale.

And for Raul. Forever the Prince of RM. I mean, forever.

And thanks to my fellow classmates, made me much soothed. Was really depressed, but when I got to class there were those whom I could talk to. And there was this Arsenal fan. Yeah Arsenal's failure added to my agony and I found championship league meaningless, except that Valen will still be fighting. Valen is where all my hope lies. Real Madrid, Barcelona, Lyon, Arsenal, all these I support bid their farewell to the battle field, where glory is not to be granted to them. Without love, what is life? And Valen. I need to make myself have the faith.

New classes with unfamiliar people. Chem, Spanish, History, and the unknown BM. Need to once more remember the many faces and names. But I love these classes and people as well. Was well comfortable with them. Gradually the easy feeling comes back, and I feel enriched and refreshed. /smile/ I am not that different from a new comer, with so much catching-up work to do, and I need learn to manage my time well. Oh my life is chaotic now.

What's finer than having Jeanette and Sab as my school mates? Haha it may be necessary to set up an ex-crescentian union, to commemorate the old days:) Now Jeanette is here and I have one more friend to talk to, how nice! Unlikely they will come to my class but anyway we are in the same school. Can see one another every day, like what I used to do in Crescent. Haha 4C2 was my second home, I clang to their class instead of mine. Nice neighbour. And now, we have Eight people from 4C2! What an auspicious number. Poor LQ, only if she joined us, that would make a perfect reunion. PERFECT. But anyway, we are different particles with different directions, one can not always expect the many of us to together form a whole.

I am very much drained by the countless pieces of homework. Well my subject combi is INSANE, I know this pretty well. But I need this insanity to make myself preoccupied, so as not to waste time futzing around. I am really going to push myself hard (If I remember these words next term).

Had I known this before it happened? Yes I knew this is how it would be. I have always known. My dearest dearest Madrid. I understand. understand. may it bring peace to you, to solve all the chaos, to settle down, to start new. it is hurtful shameful I know I know. But forget it forget it. Somebody is destined to be honoured there, and we together bear the bitterness. You need not always shine, you just need a rest, wait for the storm to cease. wait for tomorrow's sun to illuminate your whiteness. You beautiful. You beautiful. Let's move on. Oh promise me you don't cry you don't cry it's nothing. Let's hope for the better, let's hope for the best. Somebody will be blessed with coronation and it happens that you are not the one this time. it doesn't matter dear. You see the redness and gold of Spain? Yes, always as pure as your blood and the Iberica sunshine. Be with you together. Be with you together. You are forever the dearest mi amo. Please please I can't bear to see you sad.

Don't cry don't cry don't cry king of kings it is what it is just don't cry don't cry....

Good luck Valen. GOOD LUCK.
.

In a mourning mood for Barça, Lyon and Bordeaux. I had expected Barça’s loss. At the waking moment I suddenly had this feeling that Barca is doomed, unquestionably. I didn’t know they actually won. 1-0. A disgraceful victory. Won, but still defeated. It was at that moment when I found myself faithless. How ironic. This meaningless victory. Sometimes Fate is really mean, simply does not grant people what they desire. And we sigh helplessly. “Bad Luck.” Suddenly felt so ashamed. Liverpool fans may well tease us (well, us…) as sarcastically as they want. Away. Won. Disqualified. Hopeless. The doomed.

But Lyon’s defeat really shocked me. I am not familiar with this club, but I respect them. I adore their fearless way of fighting, and ruling. But they lost to a team that I somehow despise. Twice. A complete defeat. A defeat completed. This was unbearably degrading.

I was downcast today, had to bear this dull, suffocating pain, but I didn’t know Valencia, the winner, would be the one I cried for. I heard about this infamous fight after the game, between my beloved Valen and the factually defeated Inter. It didn’t surprise me that they both got too excited. Understandable. I didn’t expect myself to burst into tears viewing the photos of Valen boys being beaten. This pain I couldn’t suppress. I couldn’t endure. I know the love I have for Valen. It’s different from the way I love Real Madrid, but the same as how I love Spain. The same unreasonable love, regardless of the distance and time. I know well that this is because of the large number of Spanish boys in Valen. But anyway, I love them, I adore them so much. I can’t bear to see them being chased everywhere on the field and being bullied. I know the boys are as tolerant as ever, they are lovely children. They have got the bones. But I hate Inter, I loathe them for their savageness and barbarity. I wouldn’t expect them to have the basic respect for the host, because they are uncontrollably hysteric and maniac. BUT THEY BEAT THE BOYS! I cant’ express this intense hatred I have, my heart aching and burning so much. Inter, you made the boys bear the pain, you made them victim to your madness, you made me cry. You shameless fiend. I WONT FORGET. More painful is that among the inter players, there are my beloved Argentineans, which leaves me speechless. Sense the wound in silence.

It simply hurts.

Posting results are out today. Well, I can stay, as expected. So this is the school that I am going to look at and touch and smell and wander about for the next two years, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. second by second, to sense it, to remember the colous of the flowers, to feel the greenness, to lean on the walls. To laugh, to meditate, to take pictures, to create memories, and finally, to recall.

I love this school immensely.

Still concerned about something.
I am still not informed if my new subject combi is approved...I fear that my SL1 is a trouble and I cant be fit into any class. The worst thing is that they do not allow me to switch, which seems unlikely to happen. Second to that, they may force me to change class. Oh no I really really dont want to leave this class. This sense of connection is already formed and I am getting used to everything in our class. Or they may change my subject order. That's not so much a problem, except that I get to see my classmates less. Seems a bit isolated, strolling about without a company. Anyway I just want to know their decision ASAP... I cant wait...
Another thing. Oh well about PS. Let's see how it goes tomorrow. It's not I am reserved or shy or something. I want to talk but somehow have this inertia to remain silent and just keep watching and listening. Maybe I am too used to observation.

Yes, history ROCKS! Today's hist class was really FUN. At first I was uncomfortable being in the new classroom and seeing unfamiliar faces. And it was messy..well...so I felt a bit foreign and lost. And frankly speaking I was a bit scared of Higher history people. (well all these feelings originated from two years ago, in the lit class...) I had expected them to lecture in an authoritative and commanding manner which would make me uneasy....but I was totally WRONG! haha. I laughed so much I wanted to bang my head onto the table... And I adored the fifteen-minute break! I never knew it would be so 热闹 at that time along the corridor...all the people came out except for the poor economists. I admit I am evil. I looked at the econ class the same way I, as an Elit student, used to look at the CLit class in the past two years. Sigh. Anyway it is not impossible that I'll return to that class. Who knows? Poor me. seems like I've been grounded for two months. By Econs.

And Spanish! Yo soy perezora porque no estudio. I am thrilled that at this stage I can construct a sentence that describes me so well.

But anyway, RM is going to play against Bayern in two days' time so I am really tense.

Whos the featureless name in the tagboard? So lack of imagination, didnt even bother to create an impressive name, haha. Oh I hate this tagboard. I cant use it. Everytime shows me the blank stupidity after I click the "Go", which irritates me. I am wondering why this tagboard must be so stubborn, accepting everybody's message except for mine.

How is that I keep being distracted? I find myself unable to concentrate. Have this nameless feeling nagging at me, i cant figure it out. the australia poem is so mean, i cant bother to read it, let alone to interpret it...and to produce an thousand-word essay. i have always complained about penning down an essay...it hurts my fingers. And to write an essay in the dim yellow lamplight makes me feel solitary, although it does set me thinking. but at this moment i just cant settle myself down to do the work...Thats why im blogging here, and remembering the happy old times in crez photog.

I miss our president...dear fanny, shes in taiwan now. last time she mentioned we are going out when shes back, but when? and tmr the posting results will be out. I really want to have an outing with fanny lily sinthu and all the other "orange" photographers. Hopefully I will see some of them at SYPC. and some of the juniors as well. But in different uniform, this time...

So tragically hilarious. Yumi and I met exactly the same problem today. What's different is that she can lament aloud. She is so carefree.

Anyway I'd better go study Spanish.

Feel fooled by myself, in one way or another.
Feel blindly angry, blindly powerless, blindly sad.
Yes, life is full of irony, inevitably.

Si estoy soñando, no me dejes despertar.

And who's there to end this endless dream?



Quiero que estés cerca de mí para no tener miedo.

Je vous aime. Merci beaucoup.
Os quiero. Muchos gracias.

It's still laborious for me to form sentences as simple as these. Somehow French seems easier. Spanish is confusing in terms of the sentence structure. I am afraid the one constructed above is colloquial or Latin American or something. Don't know. Have nobody to check with.

Depressed.
My thoughts are in a turmoil.
And feel uncertain.
Have to reflect. Upon anything. Upon nothing.
Have to sleep.
Have to dream.
Have to wake up.
Have to realize that dreams are only illusions.
Then what follows?

Let it be.

BOURGEOIS is a fashionable term nowadays (I mean, back in China...), but I was born a CAPITALIST. Limited resources+Unlimited wants= Scarcity. I have the wants of a capitalist but not the financial back-up, and this is really depressive. Well, it takes TIME and a LOT of HARD WORK to be a mature capitalist. /smiling sarcastically/ For my bunch of luxurious hobbies and habits.

I admit that I am spoilt by myself ( well, in the first place, thanks to the support from los padres), and now I am wilful, sometimes to the point of disregard ( of the so-called social convention???) and defiance. Anyway. One hour ago I suddenly had the urge to eat whipped potato so just anyhow ordered KFC, without considering...well, whatever. Okay now I am fed up with it. It was then when my 二徒弟 "blamed" me for being a "spoilt kid"....Well I am, I have always been one. Back in china my teachers were wordless about my careless attitude. Really, I just didn't care. I may seem frightening when I don't care, but I think I am horrifying when I do care... like now...

Oh I was thinking of going to Europe in Junio for my cam's sake. I owe it a lot, at least I feel this way. Dont know where this feeling originated. The cost is a problem. Other than that...I don't want to go alone. Need to find some current / ex- school mates to go together. I have always had this sense of insecurity anyway, so it's better for me to have some company. My roommate was saying to me that we might go malasia but I think she was quite discouraged by my instant refusal. If I go travelling, Europe will be the only destination. Otherwise I'll just stay here and work on the two or three or four languages. And of course take photos. At least now there is the possibility that my 二徒弟 may agree to travel with me. That's good. But it'll be better if...haiz.

Today was wasted, again. Did nothing to do with Français or Español whatsoever. This weekend Barça is going to play against Seville. Bonne chance, dear.

Today´s post is even more random.

p.s. one more thing...heard about this scandalous news that they are going to apply some stupid change to crescent uniform...only CUATRO buttons are to be shown. My poor juniors, if this is true, they will look no different from the working おばあさん...Didn´t know the mdm whatever can be so creative, she should demonstrate first in order to be more convincing.

Yes I really care TOO much about it.The more you care, the more awkward you are. It's like you meet a long-lost friend, and dont know how to deal with him. You try to draw you two closer to each other, but you simply dont know how to break the ice. Because you care too much, you are so unwilling to displease the other, so much so that you dare not act. When you are so much in it, you cant not see the whole picture, you cant sense what others sense, you dont know what is your next move. And you get anxious. You keep this anxiety to yourself as well. Exactly what I feel now, and I AM awkward. What are the things I really care, in this PS, and how on earth have they made me so awkard, so much not myself? This one is not to be compared to the one in the past, this one means much more to me. But this is a difficult beginning. Two months has passed and I am still aimless directionless powerless. All passive, just letting everything go on their own accord, not putting any effort to make a change. It doesnt work even if I give loads of excuses to comfort myself, because I know doubtlessly that my own attitude dominates my situation.

Now I have to question myself:
-Do you love it?
-Yes, definitely. Without compromise. Well, with desperation.
So, "it's in my hands I won't let it go", remember this? Time elapses without mercy, I don't have much time left. Let me count. There are about 14 months? How will the future be like? And how am I going to react?

How confusing. I don't know the answers, frankly speaking.

It seems I ponder too much on it, on those troublesome matters. It weighs too much to me, I just can't let go the thoughts. Every detail I subconsciously try to interpret the undertone, every instant I cant make myself neglect, I always seem to be the lonely one, cast alone by myself, because I CARE TOO MUCH, to the extent of sorrow. I am not exaggerating, or I dont mean to be exaggerating. But in fact, I may be amplifying my own feelings.

So does it mean that all the troubles are made by myself? Whoooops..

My thoughts seem so random today....Yes they are. And I am secretly and silently emotional.

PS. Do you understand this post? You say you dont understand? Tres bien. I am so glad.