Oh, the Years

moved!

2007-10-12T08:26:00.000+08:00

here´s new blog

http://laguitarralenta.spaces.live.com/

¡¡¡¡¡¡felicidades!!!!!!

Autumnal notes

2007-09-29T12:21:00.000+08:00

I was thinking I should post something, something of no significance but randomness. I shall have my memories compiled,out of no reason (but possibly boredom), knowing not how. Listening to emo songs is likely to function as a catalyst,adding to the not-so-high temperature of my intertwined thoughts (which after all seems to be of complete blankness). It feels good to have something to be posted, no matter how random it is. And there is this linguistic confusion among Chinese, English, Spanish and French. Yesterday I said to me Spanish seemed harder to learn than French and Senorita almost jumped up from the chair.

Have read some comentarios on books and movies and discovered that I still hate the artificiality of their metaphors. The perfectly idealistic me years ago seems so distant now.[Your attention please: the fire alarm has been sounded and the cause is being investigated.Please remain calm and wait for further instructions.----The haunting repetition, after having disappeared for so long, emerged again.Fortunately it stopped.] My writing has changed so much and has lacked the imaginative freedom.I guess this is what happens when four languages stir and jumble up at the same time: you can seize the essence of none of them but get lost among the different senses brought out, especially when there is such an enormous difference between your native language and the other three. And insufficient reading makes me feel inadequate. Listening to too much music and watching too many movies make me too lazy to form sentences---you get too used to visions and sounds instead of words. [and well, you become more Spanish---excuse me.]

What if one can paint his dreams (well, that makes him another Picasso) or his thoughts (Dali II, then) in the exact form they have been. dissemble and rearrange. Probably they are full of beautiful patterns and rhymes, graphically, musically. Then you'll have all the candydreams, futboldreams, savetheworlddreams exhibiting themselves [ah, reflexive--have I spelt it correctly?--verbs in Spanish are SO(sos) confusing.] in front of you. And you'll see a picture of your carrying your winged heart to Iberica, with crimson, violet, baby blue backgrounds. How amazing.

Oh, the music has stopped.

there's nothing more

2007-09-01T23:16:00.000+08:00

Why, Román?
I can't recall the two dreams more clearly, even after all these eight messy months. The second one was telling. I screamed if without Roman what am I up here for why on earth did I come to watch the game I came to watch him but no he is not here he is not playing. The presence of hundreds of solid shadows, it doesn't weigh as much as the emptiness from one man's absence. That bitter dream, it was bitterly prophetic.
What if a hero is cornered. What if he is the equivalent of solitude, of, perhaps, aloofness, of not following the trend, of reminiscing the ageing elegance.
Nowhere to find a shelter. Can't return, because they simply can't afford to buy him. Well, how cheap it sounds. Those giants can't afford because his presence means a complete change to the team's core strategy, or even style. You can't expect a well-known well-built team to compromise this way. And for those clubs in his hometown, he is overly costly. No way. He simply can't return.
It was true that for the second half of last season he was totally absent, back in Argentina. But I wasn't uncomfortable with it. What's more soothing than knowing that he leads HIS team to victory?
And now.
I have imagined myself taking a picture with a Roman clod in the red-white stripped jersey. I don't care if he is from the rival team. And well, that's a perfect illusion, a complete imagination. It has come to September and he remains in the monotonous yellowish Villarreal. What can I say now.
Only this.
Buena suerte, querido Roman.

One cannot always lament over the past

2007-09-01T00:44:00.000+08:00

Already three days, to this day.
Three days' mourning shall come to an end. The pain shall be over. I don't suppose one can always consume the shadow from the past, let alone the past means death. He will live an eternity, in the memories of people who genuinely love him. And that's enough, because that's how life goes.
So, before I let go the elegy from within, just let me put down these last words here, for him:
Puerta, amigo, Sevilla está contigo.
Hasta siempre, Antonio Puerta.

El Dolor

2007-08-29T22:44:00.000+08:00

El dolor.
What is it? What does it mean? What does it tell?
El dolor.
Do you feel it? Are you down? Do you feel the tears seeking to break any constraint?
El dolor.
Do you know how a heart is shattered into pieces of china or jade, thin, transparent, naked?
El dolor.
Do you hear me? Can you sense what has happened? Do you remember the moment four nights ago?
El dolor.
Do you know how to remember? Do you know how to forget?
El dolor.
To leave the world, to get rid of the omniscient eyes of Fate, to become an distant observer.
El dolor.
So distance that he feeds himself on memories.
El dolor.
I don't know. Nobody thinks this should concern me.
El dolor.
But here it is. The piercing sensation streaming in veins, in heart.
El dolor.
El dolor.
El dolor.
We have lost you.
So we say, el dolor.
To see you for 30 minutes, and to be reminiscient about you for the rest of my life.
El dolor.
Lloro por ti.
Lloro que no regresa.
Lloro. Lloro.
Lloro por el dolor.

If you knew my misery....

2007-08-19T22:21:00.000+08:00

I believe that it's the lack of preparation that has got me into immense panic. I feel my heart sinking unretrievably, and my stomach churning. Even feel heavy-headed. I can't concentrate. Save me. Get me out of this disorder. Bring me normality. Take me away. Spain. I need anything Spanish to sooth me. My fingers are being frozen. My toes are being frozen. My words are being frozen. My confidence is being frozen. Nobody comes to my rescue. Nobody can help. I'm helpless. This IOP, it's eating me up, bit by bit, from the heart, to the bones. It's drinking my spirit, making me feel so so small. What am I, if I can't handle it? Curse the IOP! Away, you demonish grumbling loser! I'll trash youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

The strong must learn to be lonely

2007-08-16T18:39:00.000+08:00

It has occurred to me that all of a sudden, those people who have never said a mean word against RM turn to my enemy by announcing that they hate RM. They try to justify by saying that they have never said they support RM either. I was kind of dumbfounded on hearing such confession. Well I'd rather not take it as ill-intended, but feel stupid that I have so oblidgingly trusted that they do accept RM. Anyway this doesn't matter so much as I never cared about voices from without.

What really makes me worried is RM's notorious performance since the summer break started. Maybe it is understandable as a BRAND new coach has just joined and the team is very much in a holiday mood, but I have to admit that it is disappointing. Imagine, they have lost five or six games so far. To wait patiently is something sensible to do but I am not a fan experienced and toughened enough to be that sanguine. I doubt the effectiveness of Schuster's arrangment and strategy; to me they are proved to be a failure. Moreover I doubt if a German guy can ever lead a Spanish team, especially a traditionall remarkable team like RM. Capello was wronged. He was the scapegoat. And Calderon and his followers are water-headed.

And I suddenly remembered this: the strong must learn to be lonely. From Enemy of the People, final act. Didn't realise how ironic it is until I typed out the title of the play. Well....

C'est la vie. For this, and something else.

Discovery

2007-08-05T22:27:00.000+08:00

Día de la Hispanidad, 12 October.
Tell me that this is no coincidence.

Does wilfulness last?

2007-08-02T18:27:00.001+08:00

I think I resent logic, or argument. The moment certain issue is brought up for reasonable discussion, my thoughts liquify and leave my mind blank, like defiant sulky children who are dragged out of their cozy corner. I gather that this is either a symptom of aging or due to the disease called laziness which is my typical mode of behaviour. When laziness becomes habitual, responsiveness is stolen away. What I can do and like to do is to ponder alone, silent and deep in thought, to process whatever I can perceive, mainly about myself, about people, about life, world, time, and all the not-so-boring philosophical or psychological issues. Like what I am doing now. I can perfectly make sense and sound rational (logical???) then. Perhaps it is because I am sentimental and highly intuitive, my thoughts and ideas tend to expand beyond the boundary, and I am sensitive to emotion-related matters. However I find it difficult to condense my thoughts to follow a certain pattern, increasing the density of the process of thinking. The invisible rules and principles are an irritating kind of confinement which makes my brain stop functioning properly. Maybe it is the qualities of Libra that have made me an insulator of sciences and subjects with scientic kind of approach, or, at least, I can't bring myself to do detailed studies of sciences but random reading and exploration. Social science is none the less dreadful, but when application is concerned, there is more flexibility allowed which does me good. On the other hand, arts and humanities such as history, geography, theatre, music, visual art, languages, literature and other culture-related subjects appeal to me much more. So, well.

Dimensions

2007-08-01T21:25:00.000+08:00

Luckily, Senorita is nice. Felt really uncertain before seeing her and listening to her talk. We have got used to the forever patient and soft-spoken Senor. Anyway, no more abandonment, please. Reminds me of those days in Crescent,where I was once deprived of confidence, because of the change. In those depressive days I used to take a walk in the playground in NYGBS, looking at the sky. The sky was as solid as a wall, and stars distant, beyond reach. Yesterday was saying how much life has changed since then, without our knowing it. Nanyang, it sounds unfamiliar now, like uttered from years ago. Didn't go back to Crescent for Speech Day. Didn't feel like receiving the award in front of the many people, known or unknown, all somehow detached. And somehow relunctat to go back.

Angst. Learnt this word some time ago, which probably describes my mood now. Began to feel like one year ago, not knowing what on earth is waiting for me. Can't perceive the outline of the future. And don't know which path to take.

I walk on this lonely road,The only one that I have ever known.

And don't know where it goes. I'm really happy with just sitting outside the classroom leaning on the lockers looking at the building opposite or drawing some random stuff. Happy with letting my mind follow my fingers instead of leading them. Happy with naughty defiance and little trick and mild violence. Happy with being obssessed with nothing or nobody but soccer and the players. But not happy that I have to make all the compromise for a life far from ideal. So everything now needs to come to an end. Life is just a slideshow. Sigh. Being random again.
Printed out some RM picture so that I can read their faces everyday, so that I can sense their company, so that I can somehow trace the untouchable past. What if I get old this way, gazing their faces at peace. What if time passes only in this silent one-way communication, gentle and soothing as if it was non-existent.

This thought suddenly came to mind: do Spanish people have their national pledge? I don't think so. And I can't imagin if they had one, what it would be like.

The day shall come: I shall play my guitar, perhaps in a small town in Spain, with my shadow stretching long. Into the past, into the dream, into every happiness of life.

Walking alone in this chaotic layer of world. Everywhere wafts the fragrance of illusion and the intoxicating uncertainty. I don't know I don't know I don't know what I don't know. I'd like to indulge myself in an ocean of randomness where there is no geometry. Ahhh I feel tired and want to feel resigned every now and then. Please give me a handful of fresh air of idolized arts and I will swallow it as if deadly thirsty. Randomness is good, boredom makes you feel useless. I feel the years being drawn away from me, leaving no reflections or shadows whatsoever. This endless waiting shall end. To be changed. Shaped. Coloured. Dreams shall dissolve into reality.
By the way I hate Shakespeare. He shows no genuine compassion for his own characters but strives to pose himself as a sage. His plays smell like the rotten furniture in some 18th century maison and his poems have a facade thick and death-like green as tortoise shell. For his plays I'd rather read the abridged version or some Spanish/French version if I could understand them. He has no taste in the beauty of language. Excuse my skepticism but I find him boring to death. Like a walking skeleton clod in some flamboyant costume breathing the air of a coffin full of arrogant flowers. I tell you I'm devoted to deny everything or anything positive about him. Reading Shakespeare is simply repulsive.

Henry David Thoreau and Virginia Woolf. After Shakespeare-ing for so many days I long to get into touch with their purified silky language. Curse this the Colour Purple. It's insulting.

emo emo

2007-07-31T21:38:00.000+08:00

I guess it's time to say goodbye to PS and to leave behind the silent struggles for the past half a year. It's amusing how life is undergoing the inverse of how it used to be and how the mental burden has been transformed into nothing and unloaded. How memories are happy to remain in the past and how they don't jumble up to disturb the peace. Life is good, isn't it. Ok I guess by now nobody from Crez PS remains in the same CCA. Also seeking for something new. But anyway the connection is not be lost. I'm not tired of photography; I'm just tired of the process of familiarization and searching for the shadow of the past. No. No more. I live in present and I'm free.

Getting more emotional these days. The other day Becks' Galaxy--Oh I won't say "Becks'" but rather "that" Galaxy---lost shamefully and he was utterly depressed. I cried, reading the news. Imagine, I cried for Beckham. I have never cried for an Englishman in my life, let alone he is the Beckham to whom I've always been apathetic. Maybe I still remember him as the Real Madrid 23 who has struggled to do the team pride. And more ironically, I nearly came to tears when I heard some Califonia song,watching the Enron movie today. Again, (almost) cried because of U.S. What's this? I found myself no explanation. And just now I was watching this "we live in Singapura" MTV, so to speak, and I guessed it was then that the revelation was brought to me. It's nothing but sense of anchoring or identity, which I long for but lack. The Singapura video is funny enough, but none the less touching. I can sense the concern and contentment. I am not contented. My dream is yet to realise. I haven't found the place where I belong. Drifting, uprooted (is that so???), I don't have the sense of anchoring. Nowhere. And a long long way to go.

Don't cry, Argentina

2007-07-16T13:33:00.000+08:00

Would you be my hero?
Would you kiss away the pain?
Would you stand by me forever?
You've taken my breath away.
Tell me, are you crying? Are you drowning in misery? Are you being eaten up by sorrow? Or are you enduring the burden of glory that has passed, and of honour that you have failed to defend? They said I looked miserable. Without your happiness my happiness doesn't come. They say that you are the Spain in Southern American; that's not to be taken as a praise. But I love you both, almost the same way. You are where my faith lies. You are where I find myself a shelter. I am willing to go through all these ups and downs, with you by my side.

2007-07-10T19:49:00.000+08:00

Laugh,and sigh.

It's no hearty laughter. It's the laughter of sarcasm. How marvelous I have been, to top the level in Spanish, to excel in English, to go beyond my expectations for history, and to be the last one for business. I am a genius, always successful at doing things wilfully, and at failing. I hate my marks for biz, it makes me absurd. Not so much humiliating yet, but I still hate it. I'd rather level the grades of all my six subjects, so that I don't stand out among the others, neither positively nor negatively. No I'm not saying I care about how others look at it, but I don't feel good myself. I don't feel good to fail this speechlessly. Sigh. I'm always following my own will, so much so that some of my potentials have been hidden and it has become hard to dig them out.

Now look at this, message from my previous literature teacher, after I told her my English and Spanish results: Fantastic! It's wonderful to note how the mindset of excellence has never left you. We are all mighty proud of you. Keep the flame of perseverance burning.

So now how do you feel? My first Lit teacher once said, she (me) is a good student--Well, she Was a good student, and she will be a good one. What's the point? I guess I have never been a good student throughout these nineteen years of my life. A good student has good disciplines and organisation; but I not. I follow my passion, and this makes me a good learner instead of a good STUDENT. Anyway I think I was a bit depressed today, and my performance in humanities wasn't good enough to comfort me.

And one more thing, THE CHANGE OF MY EE SUPERVISER IS MADDENING!!!

2007-07-07T00:00:00.000+08:00

Eres mi guitarra. Una guitarra nueva. Bought a guitar today, in the hope that it will add another dimension to the monotonous life here. No no it doesn't serve as a kind of spice. It's another companion of mine, together with my camera,my xiao, and my Argentinian soccer ball. I bought this guitar, motivated by the longing for Spanish culture? Possible. Probably. I am trying to seize every form of media, to connect me to the faraway Iberica. Espanolistica. A created word, for myself, and for my dream. Talking about dream, God knows what this dream exactly is and when it will come true. What is it? For the longing to be responded to?

No. My current kind of life is not an enclosed city which arouses people's curiosity. I tell you school is horrible. Not the school itself but the programme. I was not talking with profoundness; it's simply what I have experienced and what I am undergoing. I used to thought it kinda hectic and fun, when I hadn't been in it, this IB. And it's such a hurdle. I don't mean it to be a hurdle just like I don't mean this diary to be lamentation. But it's like that. I guess I buy the guitar and I look for external CCAs because I feel like somewhat returning to my previous state where I really had some hobbies and I could set aside some time for them. And now. I am not a person who immensely enjoys stillness and monotony. I am a Libran to whom Freedom matters the most. And that is what I lack at this time. Now I feel fed up and longing to get rid of it. In two years' time. I shall wait patiently.

We are lost, unseen and not seeing, unknown by the others. These are the words form Joy Luck Club. I didn't know I can still recall something from it. I don't know if that's because of the helpless mood which makes everything seem destined. At that time my senior used to say it would be hardly practical to take up another foreign language in JC. But now. So, life is really full of unpredictability, which makes it good. Isn't it? There is still hope.

change is eternal...

2007-06-30T20:44:00.000+08:00

Je manque Monsieur. Sa voix est reposante. And he doesn't act to be humourous or something. He has the gentleness of a Frenchman. Sigh. Life would be so good if I was still under Monsieur, plus Señor, but I guess you have to adapt to the unexpected changes and to the various disappointment. It's kinda ironic.

I'm said to be fickle; maybe I am. I've changed half of my subjects, and I'm planning to change my CCA. I don't be fickle because I'm fickle; I act fickle because I've been seeking for the better and because I've never given up. Change and change and change, and discover what I'm up to and what suits me in the process of making changes. Changes add colour to life, isn't it?

Exams are over, but still a long way ahead. More organisation is needed in my life. Need to work harder for my dream.

Feliz Cumple, Mi Amor.

2007-06-26T23:39:00.000+08:00

Feliz Cumple, Mi Amor

If I ever pray, I pray for you. Because you are my captain, you are my prince. In the softest and deepest corner of my heart I tenderly store the memories about and the love for you. You always carry the message of the loveliest sunlight and bluest sky, to my heart, to my dream, to inform me of what I care, of what I pursue. Your eyes are where people get drowned. Your smile is what makes people drunk. And You are our belief. Our love. My love. I can visualize your shy smile shining. I can hear your eyes singing. I can sense your swift movements creating an art of the most charming kind. Hopes form shape. And I see you.

Please be happy, in the forthcoming years, and please smile like an angel, the way you have been, all these years. Please embrace your world in a fondest manner. And, happy birthday.

Te quiero, Madrid

2007-06-24T01:05:00.000+08:00

Te quiero, te quiero. In this night I am left to murmur to you. Te quiero, te quiero.
Te quiero, te quiero. I feel my pounding heart. It say, te quiero, te quiero.
Te quiero, te quiero. Every alphabet has a tender look. Te quiero, te quiero.
Te quiero, te quiero. I long for your white joy white power. Te quiero, te quiero.
Te quiero, te quiero. For tonight, and for thousands more similar nights, you are my only god and goddess. Te quiero, te quiero.
Te quiero, te quiero. Hear me from faraway. Te quiero, te quiero.
Te quiero, te quiero. Grant me with your gentle power. Help me overcome. Help me strive on.

So I say, te quiero, te quiero.

The thoughts of you are the whitest plumage covering me sheltering me.
I fall for you and for your passion.
I undertake the pilgrimage,
To see your face.

Nosotros somos los Campeones

2007-06-18T11:36:00.000+08:00

Whatever I have missed, whatever I have witnessed, whatever I have dreamt about, whatever I have felt, I come to you at this moment, I cling to you, I seize the thought of you, I drink every air about you, I embrace everything about you. You are the bottomless past which draws me and which makes me cry, with joy, or with heartache. You are my hope my shelter that gestures to me to come closer. To read your eyes, to follow your steps, to be drunk in the whiteness of your heart your blood. Sacred White. Los Blancos. Let's celebrate the day.

Porque nosotros somos los campeones.

adorable simplicity

2007-06-16T23:15:00.000+08:00

Template changed again, rid of all the connections with other websites, to simplify, to purify, to enclose. Hope this may bring a change to my mood, or to some of my rooted habits. Xie said real world sucks; no it doesn't. It's just that we need to be patient. To wait for the moment to come. Hope for the better. Hope for the best.

Thirteen Years

2007-06-02T00:23:00.000+08:00

fourteen years to see you again.

Year one, met you, got to know you.
Year two, played together, with all the children. Childhood company.
Year three, you said you were moving out. And I felt the punch in my heart.
Year four, no longer shared the desk.
Year five, took a lift to school from you.
Year six, accidentally back to the same desk. saw you laugh away.
Year seven, neighbour again, but in school.
Year eight, the day you went away.
Year nine, dreaming about you.
Year ten, left the old days behind.
Year eleven, I thought I had already forgotten.
Year twelve, got into touch again. euphoria. utmost trust.
Year thirteen (now), losing touch again, but at peace.
Year fourteen(forthcoming), waiting with patience and hope.
Year fifteen(forthcoming), as my senior you will treat me. We shall not measure the distance over the years, but to chat like fifteen years ago, silently. I am looking forward to that day.

some random thoughts. do ignore me.

Te quiero profundamente

2007-06-01T15:37:00.000+08:00

假如我是一只鸟，　　
我也应该用嘶哑的喉咙歌唱：　　
这被暴风雨所打击着的土地，　　
这永远汹涌着我们的悲愤的河流，　　
这无止息地吹刮着的激怒的风，　　
和那来自林间的无比温柔的黎明……　　
——然后我死了，　　
连羽毛也腐烂在土地里面。　　

为什么我的眼里常含泪水？　　
因为我对这土地爱得深沉……

-------《我愛這土地》艾青

back from taiwan, back to unfamiliarity

2007-05-31T22:28:00.000+08:00

finger print. foot print. done. maybe blog another day about the trip.

----I love Taiwan.
----I must go there again.
----Real Madrid did not lose to Deportivo.
----Photography rocks.
----Yi Hang the Photographer rocks.

Quand partez vous?

2007-05-23T22:45:00.000+08:00

Leaving for Taiwan tomorrow. Another departure.

When I flew back to China two years ago, I was crying, unwilling to cut off the connection with Crescent. I wouldn't say I loved Crescent more than ACS, but the feeling is different. I like the school immensely but I don't feel the connection. I'm not that attached to it. After all, Crescent is my alma mater, but ACS is not. I guess it is because Crescent was my first shelter after coming here, and now I'm much toughened. I don't know if I'll cry anymore, for the inevitable separation and disconnection. Every moment is memorable, at least at this time; but I'm not sure what they will turn out to be after these two years. Maybe just sheets of blank paper, emotionless.

Still have a lot of work to be done, but ignore it anyway.

Bon voyage!

Feliz Cumpleaños, Íker Casillas

2007-05-20T18:31:00.000+08:00

Íker, Íker, lo siento. I know I am supposed to do something today, today is special, today is important. I am sorry that I spent the day with a mind in turmoil, and I did nothing for you. Not only as one of your aficiones, but as a admirer of Spain, I ought to find some people and go out to celebrate in our own ways. But I am sorry. Today has been totally spoilt, owing to the untolerable maths portfolio. I am sorry that I am writing this with bare hands and a bare mind. I am sorry that I don´t have anything presentable. I am sorry that I can´t even send you a postcard to Madrid. I shouldn´t have let all these happen. Lo siento mucho. But this must be said,
¡¡¡¡¡FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS!!!!!
Happy 26th birthday, Saint Iker.

How many roads must a boy walk down, before you call him a man?

When I look back at fives years ago when I got to know you, I understand what this means.

Iker Iker, you are our hero. This is no idolization, nor childish admiration. Look at Bernabeu, look at Spain. You have the same colour. Four years of blankness and my memories didn't die. This is called connection.

So, may all your dreams come true.

=======================
read this somewhere else, shall paste it here. its written two years ago

生日快乐，卡西小哥哥。祝你和我。
希望我们都是最幸福的孩子，心境清明，眼神澄澈，没有皱纹和灰白发丝，微笑时刻也有花开。我的眼中，孩子是和天使一样温暖可爱的名词。
曾经，曾经，我以为你就是。那些亲近关爱，那些微笑赞许，那些温柔坚定的手抚过的少年岁月，踟躇着，跳跃着，奔波着，带着阳光，带着温暖，融化了驱散了那些少年的青涩拘谨，喜悦如同马铃薯煎蛋一样纯粹简单，一缕一缕的日子摇曳流离，望向风里，有笑靥和泪花开。在心上，在眉间，你的他的，那么多人的，从来就不必分彼此的。
幸福地孩子都是梦想要作天使的，有明亮的眼睛，温暖的微笑，和洁白的羽翼，在渴望美好的有阳光和玫瑰盛开的世界里，无拘无束，自由飞翔，带清新的朝露和一地芬芳。什么时候你已经开始行使天使的守护职责了呢？那个灰色的身影，勇敢的，坚定的，默默擎起白色天地的荣耀。
他要的不多，只是对等的认可，我要的很少，只是现世的安稳，还有我们一年一年烛影星光下凝神专注的心愿，在遥远星球彼岸栖息，此岸绽放。
前日看到续约喜讯。我把他称作喜讯，是因为我觉得那是你该得的，是你想要的。今日又见辟谣新闻称一切未定，真真假假，原作不得数的。那不重要，重要的只是24岁的起点，没有阴霾。
只是低首话曾经。
如果没有看到你的成长，我不会意识到自己的岁月如何流淌。
当所有的人不再用孩子的眼光和标准来看待，我不知道那永不复返的是什么。我喜欢怀想过去，把它称之为一世的美好。
当我看到，眼中一直认为稚气的孩子臂膀上开始出现箍紧的责任；
当我听到，那个宁和坚定的年轻人说：我不再崇拜任何人；
当我想到，他用怎样熟悉曾经的微笑目光凝视迭戈·洛佩兹；
……
我知道我已经长大。不必提及那些无奈，那些失落，抬眼看就好。我看你抬起了眼，那属于自己的未来，触手可及。不放过，不错过。
我在长大。
我看到身影交错的绿茵，那个独自站立的男子，安静的凝伫纷纷扰扰，还是他自己的模样。
从什么时候开始，我们都已不再是孩子。
我的生日在遥遥的笑。是谁的模样？
感谢和快乐，赋予伊克尔。可以在某日同热血同流的队友一起纵情欢呼，可以在某日携了温婉女子的手缔结一生。
感谢和快乐，请同时也赐予我。可以有晶莹含笑的目光，静静注视，轻轻祝福，默默怀想，淡淡期待。
520，我们都快乐。
对你说。
对我说。

by yoyoL from 鹦鹉洲

(shouldn't have cried. after all today is Iker's birthday. Happy birthday dear St Iker)

stupid group of people

2007-05-15T17:51:00.000+08:00

I was so wordless. Their reaction was so unexpected I felt stupid about myself at first. Well it is not me who is stupid. They so tend to magnify trivial things. They so tend to exaggerate their sense of honour. And they regard others as malicious. Please if you think you have some importance can't you please ignore those words you don't like to hear? Blame others for something so unintended so harmless, oh my god, that's your so-called sense of honour. That's your pride. If you think you have pride, show your "big heart". And what they said is not totally false please. You are so proud of her and you don't see the dark side of her. You blind foolish people. Made me so ashamed of you.

Oh my god I didn't know they are so provokable--and nobody meant to provoke please. That's vanity. VANITY. With genuine pride you should be TOLERANT and FORGIVING. (Actually nobody is there for you to forgive. ) You were so disturbed because you feel inferior. Thats why you are SOOO sensitive about your weak spots. And you have the face to blame others. 呸.

P.S. And they are a sickeningly scary group of people. =S

P.S.S suddenly had this thought of quiting PS.... Disillusionment??? Scary me.

deep at night, deep in thought

2007-05-12T00:50:00.000+08:00

Seems that all of a sudden I began to miss a whole lot of people, a whole of lot things, and after all, I do not know what or whom I miss. Maybe gains have to be accompanied by losses. At least at home I wouldn't feel so displaced, although temporarily. I miss OX a lot. and miss Shi Yi a lot. After this year my senior will leave me and well, I have one companion less. I miss the times when I could pinch people. when I could sing Peking Opera during the recesses. when I communicated with Shi Yi with our secret gesture. when I played with mud during PE. when I was not detached nor attached to the class but enjoyed it tremendously anyway. when I could pon school as many times as I wanted. when Ping sat next to me. when I treated everybody as my younger sister or brother. when I did not have to miss anyday anything.

And now, how similar, and however how different. The same slacker, just older, three years older compared to then. Three years can make a huge difference. Okay there is no mud for me to play with, at least not in PE. And OX is far far away (He has been far far away since five years ago?) . And I have stopped dreaming about him. And Shi Yi still doesn't appear in my dreams. When I say I would like to pinch you, please just take it as a verbal threat. I won't. I simply won't. I have not practised that for three years. And three years can make a huge difference. Ping asked me if it is supposed to be good that I feel as if the old days relive. I don't know the answer. Good, or not. But this time one year less.

Back at that time there was no La Liga supporter? And it was during those days when I got to know Iker. You couln't probably imagine their astonishment when they heard that I began to follow soccer. And they thought me crazy. Well, maybe. During last year's World Cup I was posting tonnes of nonsensical messages which got them onto the edge of breaking down. Sigh, why am I mentioning these.

How I wish Crabbie would be here. One more companion. And he wouldn't be struggling so hard like now. But he chose the other track anyway.

A hand stretched out without being held tight by any other hand. An earth with millions of lights flickering but a night sky void of twinkling stars. A mirror-like window without reflecting the thoughts of the darkness. A night. A laptop. A ME.

I was just a passer-by

2007-05-11T22:44:00.000+08:00

Went to RIB today. It's actually located inside RI and RJC. Oh RJ's school building is ugly. I don't like the green colour at all. It looks conservative and off-balanced. And looking at the hostel block I suddenly had this strange feeling like a mixture of distance and familiarity. I don't know what it is, anyway it was so strange. Seems that somewhere someday I used to feel the same but I could not remember the circumstance. It's like a loss? A hint left from the past? Or some mysterious connection to a certain part of my memories? I seriously don't know. It definitely reminded me of Nanyang, but anyway, that belongs to yesterday.

And seeing Ping in RIB gave me a more strange feeling. Somehow like seeing him in Er Zhong??? Ping has seriously grown up, not the kid at all. How is it that people can change so much in merely five months' time? It's just that we have come to new schools. That's all, and people have changed. Do I appear like a stranger to those in China? I don't know if they will still take me as one of them, but does it really matter. Ping still cares about them and I seem to be rather detached. Well. I think to them I have a nonchalant teaser's attitude and behaviour. WELL.

And met some ex-schoolmates. Saw Xuxin when crossing the road and we so wanted to give each other a huge hug in the middle of the road, in front of the many threatening-looking cars! Strolled in RJ in home clothes for a while, haha. The school looked so plain, so different from my school. Even the school campus was somehow suffocating and suppressive with boredom. For neither JAE or PAE did I put RJ as one of the choices. I was so wise.

Talking about soccer I think I am still at a superficial level. Anyway I am not an experienced fan. But what soccer enchanted me is not only the technical aspect but how it is a mirror image of life. It may sound funny the way I link it to life, but this maybe because of the nature of a Libran like me. Tend to associate a lot (because of sentimentality?) So this might explain why I support RM, Valen and Barca at the same time?

P.S. Ping, don't thank me. It's just a belated birthday dinner, something I ought to do.
P.S.S I will get ZERO for my chem test. And Sir will force me to jump.

passed all thought of "if" or "when"

2007-05-10T19:02:00.000+08:00

An old friend of mine turned 18 more than half a month ago. Hindered by the geographical distance in between I could not find a way to contact her, and I forget if I remembered her birthday on that day itself. Well, thinking about the past I cannot help but be nostalgic at how “romantic” I used to be. My gifts to my friends and god-sisters had been consistently poems. And for Pin Er, a poem written on pieces of letter pad with the most elegant pattern, sealed in a carefully chosen envelop, and sent to a school some kilometres away. That's how life used to be, messages being passed through countless letters, with a connection never broken. She is one of the very few people who I regard as friends. Sigh, the days during which we talked so much about HongLou seem just like the letters sent off, travelling to a destination where I cannot trace. Dear Pin Er has grown up. The young girl in my memory still remains but has somehow been transformed. Sometimes I feel that it would be something strangely heart-warming if I had not come here after all. I would be staying in boarding school just like now, but with totally different people. At night I could take a walk on the playground with my friends, and might be gazing at the night sky---- however the sky would not be so mesmerizing as the one here, the one clearer and cooler than touching the marble. I would not be able to see the edges and softness of the clouds, the same way I could not see the direction of my life. But I would still have true friends, friends who are close to my heart. Like pin er, like my god-sister.

And now, have to laugh and talk as if I had no heart.

Lament some more

2007-05-09T20:59:00.000+08:00

AHHHH I think I am such a slacker!!! Since when have I got myself so slackened? Seem to be having this mental lethargy all the time, since the beginning of the years. Well, in this sense, my middle school year 3 in China has come to life again. Oh my Tian. I am going to highlight each Noun by capitalizing every first Letter, like the german People do. Just for Fun, 'cause I am slack and bored.

Sigh....it is true that stupid People do stupid Things. And stupid People regard themselves as forever correct. Stupid. Estupido.

p.s. I say this because I have discovered some stupid Beings aroung me. Wow, such a tremendous Sense of Fulfillment. XD

test...am I still experiencing problems?

2007-05-09T19:55:00.000+08:00

2/5
Bee-chan, I am your continuer.

Retsu. Quiet, soft sound uttered between the tip of the tongue and the teeth, bringing a tender sense of distant familiarity. More widely known as Unohana. An Unohana who used to cling to Ichimaru's gang, an Unohana who enjoyed treating Kira, an Unohana who laughed like crazy, an Unohana who now learns Spanish. Unohana's neighbour is Renji, and she crosses the bridge everyday to look for Ichimaru. And some 800 metres (?) away from them lives Yachiru who is greatly fond of Hitsugaya and thus who hates Aizen. She is Ichimaru's perpetually quarreling buddy. And poor Kira is left in the old place (not exactly so, though), far away from the living memories. And today during maths period Renji was teaching Deutsch while Unohana wrote something on the white board in French and Spanish. Oh Oh Unohana and Yumichika are now roommates and Yumichika declares that he/she is distracted by Unohana, which in fact is a false accusation. He/She is actually distracted by some of Unohana's tricks which are related to somebody in particular. And Ichimaru's birthday is coming very soon and she/he eats like a hamster. (So random aren'I? You can never make a good secratary out of me. Bee-chan, you are much better than me. I am a lazy captain, a doctor who only attends herself. )

And today Unohana was hitting Ichimaru's shoulders so hard she/he almost got choked with the whatever juice. Everybody says that everybody has become quieter with the only exception being no other than Unohana herself. Unohana has become so unlike Unohana she doesn't follow the anime anymore which makes Kira kind of sad and lost. Kira has been emotional since February and this Unohan can't not cure (I'm very sorry, dear). It's kind of ironic that well, Kira is left behind alone, and not in seireitei but somewhere else and Ichimaru, Abarai and Unohana are now comrades. (Such distortion of history) And Abarai is obsessed with exploring the new (?) environment and he/she tends to ask Unohana to sit in the front row during Maths. And Yumichika is mugging desperately--or Kou-ing, to sound more fashionable, while Unohana is slacking like a sloth. Ichimaru must be mugging as well.

Ok I'd better stop here. Bee-chan, how I wish you could come and see.

6/5
Went for Ichimaru's birthday dinner, was excited to see Lily and Kira. They made this NICE elixir, a mixture of all the drinks available--ice lemon tea, peach tea, spite, coke, cranberry juice, grape juice and some more, together with the leftover, and people were randomly picked to drink it.... The fish ball was enough to kill me... and the fortunate last child to receive the gift was ME! The last person was supposed to finish off the cup, and so happened to be me.... Lily added spaghetti, some weird noodle, potato chips, and some other scary stuff...OMG. Okay Ichimaru is so jealous of Unohana taichou because of the past. It shows how powerful I am. Now I have to look for some pills for my tortured stomach, sigh. But anyway had an enormously good time, really happy to see old friends together. and Ichimaru Gin is one year older (yesterday..). HAHA.

deutsche mode

2007-05-08T20:26:00.000+08:00

Sat in for German class today. Haven't touched German for more than one year already but still could more or less follow. I think I managed to understand 70+% of what was taught, and I could understand Senor's German now and then!

I'm such a linguist

2007-05-06T23:47:00.000+08:00

I speak southernised Pekingese, a Mixture of Chinglish+Singlish, Esrancaise and Frespanol. Genius, er?

=X

2007-05-05T13:22:00.000+08:00

Monsieur es el más guay.
Y Madame es aburrida.
C'est triste.

History IA is likely to be another killer. Was digging into Natl lib for sources without a specific question in mind.

wooohhhh

2007-05-04T20:40:00.000+08:00

what's wrong with it???

Yesterday wandered away

2007-05-01T13:25:00.000+08:00

I will not go shopping here at night anymore, unless with somebody really reliable or for something worthwhile. Always have this sense of insecurity out at night, instinctively, and am sick of it. Wish that it could end forever. Go, go away. Was not very much delighted in spite of the huge fulfilment, hated to waste one hour on simply getting a cab. Trudged from Marina Square to Esplanade via Temasek Ave and Raffles Avenue, alarmed by the appearance of a gang of youngsters( maybe I was being paranoid). Randomly took a bus and alighted at Beach Road. Felt disturbed by the silence of the night and the lamplight now and then. Finally managed to book a cab. We were going along the highway and looking out of the window on your right you could see the cluster of buildings at Raffles Place staying still. We seemed to be revolving around them without an end, on that long, long road. The flickering lights gave birth to a strong sense of solitariness. Sigh, this night was not enjoyable at all. I just wanted to go home. And SJ was obviously desperate. Poor child. Should have listened to her and taken MRT but backed away anyway because of the hidden nameless fear.

Somehow looking forward to my life in university. It will be simply soothing if I ever go shopping at night again, in Paris, or in London, with Françoise, or the one of my eleven-year-long friend. To peer into the eyes of the grand night.

And today SJ was talking about cycling, and I realized that the days when the bike was our main means of transport, have all gone. So far away from us, no way to be traced. Can't believe that I haven't touch a bike for three years. Three years, as the lyrics of a song say, how many "three years" will one get in his whole course of life? Standing here, looking back, I see the shadows of six Three-Years'. And there are their shadows on my left, on my right, horizontal, vertical. There are countless "Three-Years" written all over the space, out of which only a limited amount belongs to me.

Well, forget it. Back to bikes. Bikes and old times. I can still form in my mind the picture of the street, of the school, of every detail of That Kind Of Life, which used to be mine. Now what's left. An empty street. Empty passers-by. Empty chairs and tables in the empty classroom. Empty laughter echoing baselessly in the empty playground. Empty red and blue colours of the uniform. Empty faces of my teachers. Empty memories.

Le Fantôme de l'Opéra

2007-04-28T00:43:00.000+08:00

Went to watch The Phantom Of The Opera @ Esplanade. Imagine it, the very first time I watched a musical I have known for years. The melodies couldn't be more similar, and what was new was the visual impact. Simply splendid. It was miraculous how they fully utilized the limited space on the stage to make the Paris Opera House relive with the "sea-change" of light and colours. Characters and actions were crystalized into highly picturesque moments, and the music added life to them. The organ was awesome. I was so overwhelmed at the beginning I almost cried. Imagine, the Phantom theme I have been so familiar all these years and today I was sitting there so close to everything and watching the chandelier rise. I was trembling in the darkness with the music of the night. Once I close my eyes I can see every detail of the chandelier, the candlelight, the mask of the phantom I can hear the pulse and breath of the violin the cello the organ the piano I can sense the fear and love the depression the sorrow of the characters. The wonder is beyond words.

And Webber is GENIUS.

And Sarah Brightman and Michael Crowford are geniuses as well. This time the singers are much less expressive compared to them. The way the emotions are expressed is not that sophisticated but overly exaggerated. And they didn't seem to control their breath very well. The Christine sometimes went off-pitch. But anyway it was no easy task.

Think of methink of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me, once in a while,
please promise me you'll try.

When you find that, once again,
you long to take your heart back and be free
if youever finda moment,
spare a thought for me.

We never said our lovewas evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but ifyou can still remember
stop and think of me

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen
don't think about the things
which might have been

Think of me,think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me,trying too hard
to put youfrom my mind.

Recall those days, look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do -
there will never be a day,
whenI won't thinkof you

We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea-
but please promise me,that sometimes
you will think of me!

I like the lyrics, haha. Actually if I were Christine I'd rather marry the phantom. Serious.

the road not taken

2007-04-24T22:08:00.000+08:00

cant regret. cant regret for my own choice, and chances are not always granted to me. cant wish to start everything again, cant wish for more changes. thats far too luxurious. Have to gather myself, have to stick to what it is. No Blanca cant be distracted like this any more. Blanca needs to settle down for studies. Stop being fickle. Stop thinking about thing that are unrealistic. Stop day-dreaming. May such disconnection end. Now.

Random random random

2007-04-22T19:23:00.000+08:00

1. Didnt manage to keep myself awake to watch RM vs Valen. How sad. Moro poor dear, he kept his words and scored but Valen still lost. I think I am random and odd and unreasonable, supporing RM and Valen at the same time. U think I make myself this way? No! I happen to love them both... theres nothing I can do to change it. So, let it be. But I was rather sad that Valen lost. (Okay okay ignore me Im being illogical) Sigh, they have to compete with RM to be qualified for nxt yr's champion league.... =(

2. Daniel Yeang said he is cute! OMG he said he was not jealous of Ramos because he is as cute!!! OMG can u imagine Daniel saying this? I was shouting at the top of my voice to SJ that I didnt know he is so....well...自恋...and I was virtually choked with laughter.... he is not jealous of Ramos because he is no less cute than him.... oh my poor Sergio... (Sry Daniel I don't mean to be offensive I was just amused =P )

3. SJ has an enormous RP problem! RP=ren pin=character. The moment she wanted to type something evil her network failed. OH she has been thinking about dunking me one day. Don't ever think about getting back at me this way I tell you. I would make your future life most "enjoyable" I promise.

4. *evil smile* SJ is entirely ignorant of who IL (....) is. I didn't know I have been so successful in concealing it. I don't do it that consciously, everything just comes naturally. It's true that I don't want it to be know to ANYBODY but don't put in any effort to veil it anyway. Maybe I put on this façade instinctively or something. Can't believe I am so composed talking about this, feel somehow out of place. HAHA at least it proves that SJ is LESS EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT than me HAHAHA, I feel so fulfilled.

5. discovered a huge genius, Mr Magnet (according to SJ. Oh my I laughed until my stomuch hurt) who could understand at least 60% or 75% of the poem I posted in my Chinese blog and 100% of another post!!! And I was posting in traditional Chinese! Amazing isn't it. Must be disgraceful for SJ coz she didn't manage to understand that much. Keep it up, buddy.

6. SJ looks upset and disturbed and just now she almost jumped away from her laptop. guess what, she is watching Night at the Museum. So wordless. Last time LQ, B-chan and I laughed so hard. Its purely amusing, SJ. not scary at all. frightened like this and you wanna watch horror movie, you've got the guts.

7. This afternoon SY was suddenly inspired to order pizza, SJ and I joined her. Full to death. Had to walk up and down. And after that SY even went down for dinner!!!!! 2/3 of a pizza and dinner some more!!! What a feast, mademoiselle. U meant to compensate for ur inadequate lunch this way??? Oh tian.

8. I miss Baby, Bee-chan, and my dearest senior =(

9. Ping will say goodbye to his boyhood; he will join us to be an adult very soon. Thinking about venturing into RJ to deliver the gift... Sadly ACS dismisses us much later than RJ does.

10. I WANT MY STUDENT PASS AND PASSPORT BACK!!!! so depressed.

PS. SJ IS GREATLY ENCHANTED BY MR MAGNET!!! WAHHAHAHAHA

So funny HAHAHA

2007-04-21T20:24:00.000+08:00

Someone who has read my chinese blog actually thought that I was a guy and that my template is far too cissy. OMG, this is hilarious. I know I don't write in a feminine style, and this is a powerful proof of the non-bourgeousie, non-schoolgirlish, non-trivial (such word?) style of writing. And glad to see that I haven't totally forgotten my Chinese...

Best wishes for dear Tania. I believe she has made a wise choice, that she will follow her heart and her dreams. If ever I had a chance, I guess I would also break free from the current situation, to adventure into and to pursue for a difference. It's always hard to leave what you love behind, we all so attached to our schools. But when the times comes to cut the tie, we have to make ourselves forget. Need to have a firmer grip on life. Jia You Tania. <3<3<3

Evil laughter

2007-04-21T00:59:00.000+08:00

Wahhahaha SJ was dunked!!! Let's cheer!!! Hooray!!! So funny but sad I wasn't there to watch. Well she must be so mad reading this entry. Anyway SJ if you happen to drop by and spot my words here, do remember to take care of yourself....hope that you know what I mean. Haha, glad that you had fun today. And should not have heard about the "fantasy"from her, made me scared. I am really sick of this sense of insecurity; I think I am being paranoid and superstitious. Have made up my mind not to go out alone in Taiwan, should preferably kidnap HDL or anybody else to protect me at any time. Talking about OEP I am quite worried about VISA and air-ticket. My passport needs to be returned and new student pass issued ASAP or I'll hate any delay caused.

Mi quierida hermanastra I miss you badly and empathize with you, not knowing but understanding your struggle for the final exam. Dear, my best wishes are always with you. Remember your star-gazing, because you will see my wishes written all over the place in the moonlight, in the night sky. Believe me, you will! I feel guilty that I do not have carnation flowers or anything else to be sent to you, but in our dreams we see each other isn't it? My dear I am going back this June and after your exams we'll go out and play for the whole day! So beat it.

P.S Can the PRC scholars not teach others those swear words anymore??? I can't stand to hear them being uttered=.= Nothing wrong if they know them, but once they have learnt them they will be most eager to PRACTISE. Oh my, can you imagine those innocent-looking kids babbling out such dirty words???

bitter sweet days

2007-04-18T20:51:00.000+08:00

I am willing to surrender every instant of my memories to forgetfulness, knowing that Fate's ruthlessness and randomness overpower me. Please labour me so that I can forget. Please make IT vanish on the borderline between the night sky and the ignorant drowsy earth. Please shackle the uncontrolled wings of my emotions. Please let everything return to yesteryear. In this summertime, I leave my spirit to the surreal labyrinth of dream.

Please we are no longer secondary school kids =(

2007-04-16T23:52:00.000+08:00

The dark, ominous, austere, disturbing, oppressive, notorious, horrendous, thick, warm, unnecessary S.C.H.O.O.L S.O.C.K.S.

new blog

2007-04-15T02:39:00.000+08:00

http://hi.baidu.com/driftingiris

well, this time a blog in chinese. Really need to practise writing in chinese. after all thats my mother tongue and is what i used to be exemplary in. will be most tragic if the standard drops. so thats it. and guess SOME people will be surprised in a pleasant way that I start to do this...

Blanca needs to cry.

2007-04-12T20:30:00.000+08:00

说再见，就是再也不相见。所以，亲爱的队长、二队长，离别的时候，请不要说再见。

心痛莫名，痛极痛极。

不能语，锁喉舌。

西北望，心肝断绝。

相失而莫忘，有歌凄以哀。

低歌萦骨，一寸寸皆是蚀心的昨日，遥远的，不可及的，于是有了徒劳怅惘。

心灰泪竭。

见天星如雪。

I'm the only one feeling sad....

2007-04-11T18:11:00.000+08:00

while everybody cheers for the grand victory of ManU. I am sad, I am lost, as if a part of my heart has gone missing.

Shevchenko. What's that about him that deserves people's boast? 我呸。

So tell me how to fill this emptiness inside;
All this pain, does it go away?

Adiós, mi amo.

VALEN!

2007-04-11T05:12:00.000+08:00

OH NO VALENCIA OUT!!! IT HURTS, I TELL YOU. IT SIMPLY HURTS SO MUCH.
WHY VALENCIA? WHY SO SOON?
OH MY DEAR VALEN I SO MUCH WANT TO CRY FOR US.

Thinking about something

2007-04-10T19:27:00.000+08:00

If dear Raúl ever leaves Reál Madríd, will I still be supporting the club as I have done? Frankly speaking, I doubt it. Well, probably I will, because of José, Íker and Sergío, because of them ONLY. The club, I guess it will mean something to me no more. I am sorry RM, if that ever happens. Without Raúl it is only a RM-shaped hole in the universe, soul-less. I admit that I have to be emotional here; I am no longer reasoning or something. I love Íker and José, yes I LOVE them, but somehow they cannot be equalized with Raúl. He is the Captain, our Captain forever, guiding us leading us ensuring that we are comforted and soothed. As a fan of Spain I worship him the same way I as a fan of Argentina worship Maradona. It´s sheer a matter of sentimentality. You may say that I am a fake soccer fan; I don't care. I don't care. Soccer to me is about nothing else but Life and Love. Without Love what is Life? I don't care about what others say; I only care about what I love and who I love. Fake soccer fan or not, does it really matter to me? No. I love it and I love it, love it as an art, a shrunk image of life itself. And nobody is there to keep me from loving, absolutely not. So whatever happens, I will just follow my heart. That may explain why I support RM, Barça and Valéncia at the same time. You say I am insane, I just smile at it. No, explanation is not needed. Explanation is only a form of uncertainty. My Love has nothing to do with uncertainty.

So I will follow Raúl the same way I follow my heart, wherever he goes. And sorry RM, he will carry my love away. Not with the club any longer if he is not there. The club I mean. But not Iker, Jose and Sergio.

Oh you see I am confusing. I am confusing because I am confused. I can´t find suitable words to express my feelings, but I guess it is a kind of desperate and disillusioned loyalty. All because I heard that Raúl is leaving. Dear dear Captain.

蝶恋花 for Raul 2006-9-25
鬓角秋风凉欲碎，隔断秋星，炯炯秋时泪。还向无言秋水底，敛眉细读深秋意。
玉样年华知有几？素梦丹心，总被征尘累。肯待他年春不寐，杜鹃啼彻英雄地。

蝶恋花 for Raul, once again 2006-9-30
向晚繁华成寂索，冻入单衣，顿使愁如蚀。雨殿风城千百尺，茫茫底处华胥国？
听取离人思旧笛。岁岁尘劳，能惯生涯逸？天寒想见凝眉仄，遍倚深山修竹碧。

TE QUIERO.

There is no point of regretting.

2007-04-09T18:17:00.000+08:00

Blanca is no green form queen. Blanca is simply tired, tired of nothing, tired of anything, so tired I cant think anymore and my brain cant function normally. Had an extremely depressing day yesterday. Its simply saddening when things somehow go against your will and your expectations, time after time, until you have to root out your previous faith. "future" is a troublesome term and it pains to watch its illusion occur and fade, reoccur and vanish again. So much misled that I don't know what reality can be.

Oh Blanca simply needs to have a really good rest, to get rid of all the nagging thoughts and feelings. To start new, to relive, although there is no possibility of doing so. Cant wish yesterday once more, cant expect the second chance, because everything has already been decided and I simply need to hold on. I walk this empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams. Its ironic isn't it.

Lets move on. Lets move on. My prince scored so I should cheer.

¡Te quiero, Raúl!

Oh, and how could I forget this. 5th April was Moro's 31st birthday!!! Belated Feliz Cumpleaños to dear Fernando!!!

三年二班

2007-04-07T20:05:00.000+08:00

轻轻的我将离开你
请将眼角的泪拭去
漫漫长夜里
未来日子里
亲爱的你别为我哭泣
前方的路虽然太凄迷
请在笑容里为我祝福
虽然迎著风
虽然下著雨
我在风雨之中念著你
没有你的日子里
我会更加珍惜自己
没有我的岁月里
你要保重你自己
你问我何时归故里
我也轻声地问自己
不是在此时
不知在何时
我想大约会是在冬季
-End-

And they lived happily ever after...

2007-04-02T21:22:00.000+08:00

Ms Goh said that's a clichéd ending; don;t want it. She said it to us, a class full of dodo-birds. One dodo, two dodos, three dodos.... and I am the forgetful dodo, can't even remember the population size of our class. Was it 41? Or 42? Then I realize that my memories, and my feeling, cannot be trusted. Reminiscence approximately equals to disillusionment. I guess that one starts to miss something only when he finds out that he can never get it back. Never, this is the irreversible nature of Time. All-powerful time, making everything pale and fade away. Was it last year, or two years ago, when I tried to recall all my ex-classmates' names, those people in China? The moment you entre a new realm, your past begins to wither but your memories prosper. Memories with a mirror mask, with thousands of mirror masks, reflecting, refracting, blocking you from gazing into the void of the past. Maybe it's not advisable to retrospect, because the road behind you is twisting and twining, losing its originality. BUT I MISS CRESCENT. Nothing in particular about Crescent, but Crescent itself. The name, the sound of the word, the identity associated with the yellow and blue colours. And how carefree we were. Oh no not exactly. It is amusing how bitterness is turned to sweetness once you no longer undergo the bitterness. I used to cry, disappointed, disturbed, but now I come to think it sorrow free and carefree. Hallucination or not, there is no point of return. You can never seize what exists in your memory.

So after these two years, I find myself owing them many thanks. Owe the teachers, because I have been an irresponsible student. And I don't have the power to change this. Their tolerance and understanding I won’t forget, and I am honestly grateful for their care. Coming to think about it I feel aged (don't laugh). Things have changed, and a lot of incidents in between. In Sec3 Mr Jo left, and this year Mr Tan bade us (or them?) farewell. Last year during Crescentian Reunion I was wondering how it would be in 60th anniversary and now I guess I won't go back then. Pointless.

Oh they were celebrating Mr Wong's birthday one moment ago. Reminds me of Nanyang. I haven't liked it but still miss it somehow. Well human beings have this greedy nature and yield to the fondness of things they no longer possess. My ex-roommates must merrily enjoy their life now and I doubt if they will occasionally think of the old days during their chatting, like me? With whom do I think alike?

In two years' time I'll leave ACS as well. Will I recall the presence then, in the same nostalgic mood? Last time I felt attached to Crescent. Same feeling now, feel the close connection to my current school.

And people may get far apart from one another.

Cold Storage

2007-04-01T09:15:00.000+08:00

Look at what I bought:
--banana x 1.15kg
--one medium size pomelo
--one vera
--two coconuts
--two sweet corns
--one packet of celery
--one packet of carrots
--one can of lotus nuts
--one can of gingko nuts
--pringles original (junk food isn't it? Obviously not for me. This is so SJ-ish!!! XD)
--flat mop+refill (I wonder how you are going to comment on this, SJ or anybody else)
Oh only if Jeanette saw this. I know too well that she would gasp at the sight of the long list and would be talking about those Unohana-Aizen stuff, astonished, astounded, stunned. Haha, I am quite sure that my shopping scene this June will be much more splendid than this! Not many interesting items listed above? Oh no I have the habits of a doctor. I had such a great sense of fulfilment, having bought all these. But I really should have gone to some other supermarket or hypermarket like Carrefour, instead of Cold Storage. Bloodily costly. And I especially dislike the one in taka. The layout was unorganized and plain and tasteless. Talking of this reminds me of the one in Sixth Ave, yes j'aime beaucoup! Not showy, neither is it magnificent or something, but somehow there is this soothing and relaxing element.

The queue for cabs was kind of endless, I'd like to snap a pic of the huge queue if I had either of my hands spare. Actually I shouldn’t have taken my cam out with me, didn't use it at all. Was just unwilling to leave it in the empty, solitary, insects-dominant dorm. Like what I said, I owe it a lot.

I wonder if I am getting corrupted. Evidence listed below:
--sent messages to ppl during class. Just imagine me doing this! I don't mean this is something amazing, but I wasn't even aware of the need of bringing my phone to school. And nowadays certain subjects make me so bored.
--brought camera to school and tried to create chaos among certain people. Well, enjoy life, enjoy school.
--afraid that I'm addicted to Delifrance. Not only because of the food, but the ambience as well. Maybe I should explore those more classic French restaurants to have a feel.
--took a cab from don't-know-where to hostel, once a day for four or five days? Liked the journey, nice sightseeing sessions =) especially tonight, how has it been since I gazed at the outside world through the window? The lamplight was simply touching, and the darkness of the night was by no means oppressive. Embraced the night like longing for a shelter. Yes I loved it. And passed by Holiday Inn. Last day in Crescent, graduating night. Don't you feel sometimes Time just has this miraculous effect and can change so many things? Oh Yesterday already seems so distant and unfamiliar. Oh yeah tonight's journey was uncannily delightful, the radio happened to be playing Fei Yuqing's songs! Have been listening to Cai Qin these days and wondering since when I have begun to follow my mum's taste, but anyway our tastes have been naturally but surprisingly similar. And Fei Yuqing is magically charming! His gentle and intoxicating voice is second to none. The moment I recognized his voice, (in the cab), I virtually leapt and exclaimed. Encantadora, haha.

My baga laptop almost gave me a heart attack. It remained so dead for don't-know-how-long, and the stupid me sent the same message to 15+ people asking for help. They must have thought me crazy or something, tomorrow being FOOL'S DAY. Nice joke, hmmmmm. But dear Madame/Monsieur Laptop, you did it several hours earlier.

Forget to mention that I finally received my history textbook. Okay I'm going to start my school life, officially, which comprises of STUDIES! I hate wasting time, although this seems to be what I have been doing. Please I am looking forward to a change.

Oh life is different. It has been different since the day I came here. Back in China I wouldn't dream about myself going all around the city literally alone, let alone travelling in the highway at night. An enormous difference. Was talking to SJ that we have all changed. Life has begun to form shape.

31/03/2007

1st April now. Enjoy this fools' day, all the dear dodo-birds.

o.o

2007-03-25T16:29:00.000+08:00

I know that Distance overpowers Intuition, but please assure me that YOU.CAN.BE.TRUSTED.
Don't leave me faithless.

If thou wilt

2007-03-23T20:35:00.000+08:00

Enterra mi corazón, por favor.
Y cantaré para ti.

A ambos usted y ti: The future is sill unknown, and I have lost my direction. Lost, in the swirling spiritual world, and off-balanced. And I can't know it better that nobody is there to guide me, or you. I shall not pray for anything, for I don't know what I am looking for, and you shall smile a sad, resigned smile at my fragmented sentences and thoughts. Fate does not grant the power to control, neither to you, nor to me. Therefore I pale, in this summer night. And you? It's a frail Spring in the middle of its course, coming to an end, although I subconsciously wish it eternal. Oh eternality cannot be promised. We are too aware of this. Tenderly you cast your untouchable shadow into my heart, and thus I learn the hymn. A song without proper lyrics, despite the mesmerizing melody. So here we are, you unseeing, I unseen. You wandering lonely, I gazing at you, trying to read your heart. But you give me that incomprehensible look, and both of us turn away, leaving the distance in between. A dream repeated and remembered time after time stretches itself into darkness. Into an state of unknowingness and forlornness. You are not a fairytale, and heroism does not last. Reality announces its ultimate coronation when Dream shrinks. So who's the loser, who's the ruler. Not you, not me. Let us wait and see. Best wishes.

You don't realize

2007-03-21T16:39:00.000+08:00

Su mirada me trastorna.
Estoy confundida y incierta.

But I am afraid of losing you.

sudden realization

2007-03-20T22:00:00.000+08:00

I am foolish... I am too engrossed in my own thoughts and interpretations.
Whatever...
Please ignore me...

*sneer*sneer*sneer*

Sigh a sigh of exhaustion

2007-03-20T21:49:00.000+08:00

Going to Taiwan at the end of May. There is this song End of May, of Keren Ann if I remember correctly, lackadaisical and dreamlike. Like how I am now, spiritless, and too drained to express any excitement. Our WoW will be a memorable one, I hope. Hope...

The thought of being separated from my classmates makes my heart sink. The sight of the unfamiliar faces constantly reminds me of how ironic it is, that I rarely share any class with my own classmates, that I am a member of the class but am kept drifting elsewhere, that the distance might only be widened across the bridge. English in my own classroom, history in 5.16, maths 5.15, chem B307, Spanish B309, and lastly, BM in C3-06. Each one of a different venue, and together force me to stroll here and there, up and dow. Day in, day out. Is this what exhausts me, that I can't find somewhere peaceful enough for a rest? It is not something unpleasant to get to know more people, but the sense of unfamiliarity can be confusing. Sometimes I may just fail to gather myself to socialize. Sigh. This journeying and journeying day by day...

Okay, I am now to sweep the negative thoughts and feelings away from my mind. Need to reiterate that the confirmation of our Taiwan trip really heartened me. Have decided that I shall prepare an extra CF card instead of taking my laptop there, which will definitely trap me into lethargy. And what about the tripod? I'd better take it as well in case the camera needs to be stabilized. I can't wait for the day.

Oh well, it is true that many creatures around me add colour to my school life in many different ways, but sometimes I just want to hide myself in the comfort of my own classroom and rest...

Hmmmmmm.....

2007-03-19T22:29:00.000+08:00

謁金門三首
[清]鄭文焯

行不得。黦地衰楊愁折。霜裂馬聲寒特特。雁飛關月黑。
目斷浮雲西北。不忍思君顏色。昨日主人今日客。青山非故國。　

留不得。腸斷故宮秋色。瑤殿瓊樓波影直。夕陽人獨立。
見說長安如弈。不忍問君蹤迹。水驛山郵都未識。夢囘何處覓。

歸不得。一夜林鳥頭白。落月關山何處笛。馬嘶還向北。
魚雁沈沈江國。不忍聞君消息。恨不奮飛生六翼。亂雲愁似幕。

爱极爱极。

upset and anxious

2007-03-18T11:33:00.000+08:00

Look at my insane subject combination, what have I got myself into? EL can well kill me with the bundle of written commentaries to be done in the coming course. It has come to the end of the holiday and I suddenly (and finally) realized that I have done so miserably little for my studies. Still lazy as ever, and start to panic in the last minute. Guess that this is the nature of a Libran so I cannot run away from it. How the zodiac describes and determines a person's fate. And the many other subjects, all equally laborious and exhausting, except that I have the passion for some (which keeps me working on) while indifferent to the others (such as chem.!!!). But even passion doesn't help to change the inevitability of doing loads of work. Neither does any form of lament. I guess I have begun to sound so-called whining and moaning, which is so much not my style. Changed by life. Frustrating and irritating isn't it.

...I shall not grumble here any more. Must find something to do, no matter how insignificant that thing is.

I'm so proud of you!!!!!

2007-03-17T22:39:00.000+08:00

C'est très bien!
Felicitations 琉璃 mon amie!
Je vous souhaite le succes!

The key word in X Clamp

2007-03-16T19:43:00.000+08:00

Sadame. Means 'Fate'.

Made me so much think of Eva. Already four or five years since I heard of it for the first time?And for TB, even longer.

Two more days to the end of this holiday

2007-03-16T19:12:00.000+08:00

Do I have any homework?

This is such a simple question to which I find no answer, except that I know I owe some teachers something, but that I don't bother to do it. I haven't been in a holiday mood for the past one week, busy doing nothing but seemingly busy all the time. Again my time (as precious as the chocolate, according to 二徒弟) is wasted.

*******************************************

-=I'd better list what I have done=-

-Went hysterical (because of SYPC) and laughed really hard until YY and SJ stared at me speechless;

-watched X Clamp and wept at 3 am for the death of Inuki. Well I somehow feel that it is screwed up but anyway Inuki is lovable and so is Subaru. Totally ignored Kamui and Fuma, hero and villain without remarkable character traits. Flat characters but appeals to kids I guess, although is too pessimistic and oppressive for them. Visually amazing and beautiful music. Plot not so confusing as well. Anyway it is so clamp.

- finished 契丹萧太后. Has been years since I followed it last time. Glad to find that my passion for ping shu never faded and this time my perspective changed I guess. I am no longer a primary schoolgirl anyway. Ought to feel differently. Oh maybe I should write something for it but laziness is dominant.

-fixed the bookcase. Marvellous! I have done such a tremendous job. Oh now such a mess on my desk but under it everything is cleared away. And nice bookcase, except that I have to place boxes of medicine on it making it look a bit funny. And washed tons of clothes. My hands need the whatever scream desperately.

-Didn't take a single photo. (No comments on this.)

-Read a couple of pages of The Wuthering Heights, far from my target. Didn't touch God of Small Things at all.

-Forgot to extend the library card.

-=etc etc etc =-

**********************************************

Need to do housework some more.

wordless

2007-03-13T21:31:00.000+08:00

People say I've been crazy all day...I don't know what is wrong, but I seem to be super high.laughing like mad and making my roommate so traumatized. I don't know what is so funny hahaha. Guess that it is because of sypc today, but don't know the exact cause. Anyway today is a rather nice day, I nearly forgot where I was. Oh well.

Nothing to do with holiday

2007-03-12T20:21:00.000+08:00

Recognized one of the two photos sent by Crescent, and had this surge of reminiscence. So drained by the boredom, standing alone at the bridge, gazing at nothing in particular, and thinking about nothing in particular. Talking to people kept me cheerful, being occupied by work enriched me, but loitering around with nothing to do really depressed me. My mood changed so many times this afternoon. Haha. Gonna see my juniors tomorrow.

Didn’t know the Madrid-Barça conflict involves the miserable history of Spanish Civil War. Such a beautiful lovely country, so many year fighting back tears, why can’t the past just die? I love Madrid, but I hate their consciousness of their so-called superiority. Isn’t it that all Spanish sons are supposed to be equal? Frankly speaking I really cannot imagine the hatred they bear; they are such romantic, youthful,l loving people. Don’t they realize how painful it is to see a country divided? It is hurtful even to a foreigner like me. Maybe human effort simply does not help; it is a matter of providence. Like how individuals are destined to live a certain kind of life, a country is destined to survive a certain way as well. Sigh. But this is a country to be treasured, dear to the hearts. May it be blessed. I believe so.

Have to practise poetry-writing, so awkward and uneasy with it now.

Draw

2007-03-11T09:39:00.000+08:00

3-3. still made me sad.
It always hurts to see the conflicts within the beloved nation.
Catalan doesn't make sense to me at all, which makes me disheartened.
May España be united.

I shall always be with you

2007-03-08T20:26:00.000+08:00

Saint Iker Casillas, gracias. I see how you have aged by the heaviest responsibility, and how you fulfill the duty as a saviour. No longer the sorrowfree boy I remembered five years ago. You look drained dear, maybe you need a rest. Or you need Victory, in order to sooth you to console you. Oh you must have been so tense so laboured, but you alone simply could not make any change. The situation was beyond your control. But you shone anyway, you were impressive. I am, and have always been, in awe of you. Of your youthful resilience, your toughness, your mature anxiety. Of everything about you. You are my hero, you have always been. Ours. In national team, and in Madrid. You are the modest icon who never shows off. You are the fearless. Yes Iker, no one compares to you. You will never pale.

And for Raul. Forever the Prince of RM. I mean, forever.

And thanks to my fellow classmates, made me much soothed. Was really depressed, but when I got to class there were those whom I could talk to. And there was this Arsenal fan. Yeah Arsenal's failure added to my agony and I found championship league meaningless, except that Valen will still be fighting. Valen is where all my hope lies. Real Madrid, Barcelona, Lyon, Arsenal, all these I support bid their farewell to the battle field, where glory is not to be granted to them. Without love, what is life? And Valen. I need to make myself have the faith.

New classes with unfamiliar people. Chem, Spanish, History, and the unknown BM. Need to once more remember the many faces and names. But I love these classes and people as well. Was well comfortable with them. Gradually the easy feeling comes back, and I feel enriched and refreshed. /smile/ I am not that different from a new comer, with so much catching-up work to do, and I need learn to manage my time well. Oh my life is chaotic now.

What's finer than having Jeanette and Sab as my school mates? Haha it may be necessary to set up an ex-crescentian union, to commemorate the old days:) Now Jeanette is here and I have one more friend to talk to, how nice! Unlikely they will come to my class but anyway we are in the same school. Can see one another every day, like what I used to do in Crescent. Haha 4C2 was my second home, I clang to their class instead of mine. Nice neighbour. And now, we have Eight people from 4C2! What an auspicious number. Poor LQ, only if she joined us, that would make a perfect reunion. PERFECT. But anyway, we are different particles with different directions, one can not always expect the many of us to together form a whole.

I am very much drained by the countless pieces of homework. Well my subject combi is INSANE, I know this pretty well. But I need this insanity to make myself preoccupied, so as not to waste time futzing around. I am really going to push myself hard (If I remember these words next term).

I shall be with you

2007-03-08T05:19:00.000+08:00

Had I known this before it happened? Yes I knew this is how it would be. I have always known. My dearest dearest Madrid. I understand. understand. may it bring peace to you, to solve all the chaos, to settle down, to start new. it is hurtful shameful I know I know. But forget it forget it. Somebody is destined to be honoured there, and we together bear the bitterness. You need not always shine, you just need a rest, wait for the storm to cease. wait for tomorrow's sun to illuminate your whiteness. You beautiful. You beautiful. Let's move on. Oh promise me you don't cry you don't cry it's nothing. Let's hope for the better, let's hope for the best. Somebody will be blessed with coronation and it happens that you are not the one this time. it doesn't matter dear. You see the redness and gold of Spain? Yes, always as pure as your blood and the Iberica sunshine. Be with you together. Be with you together. You are forever the dearest mi amo. Please please I can't bear to see you sad.

Don't cry don't cry don't cry king of kings it is what it is just don't cry don't cry....

Good luck Valen. GOOD LUCK.
.

This is the reality

2007-03-07T19:46:00.000+08:00

In a mourning mood for Barça, Lyon and Bordeaux. I had expected Barça’s loss. At the waking moment I suddenly had this feeling that Barca is doomed, unquestionably. I didn’t know they actually won. 1-0. A disgraceful victory. Won, but still defeated. It was at that moment when I found myself faithless. How ironic. This meaningless victory. Sometimes Fate is really mean, simply does not grant people what they desire. And we sigh helplessly. “Bad Luck.” Suddenly felt so ashamed. Liverpool fans may well tease us (well, us…) as sarcastically as they want. Away. Won. Disqualified. Hopeless. The doomed.

But Lyon’s defeat really shocked me. I am not familiar with this club, but I respect them. I adore their fearless way of fighting, and ruling. But they lost to a team that I somehow despise. Twice. A complete defeat. A defeat completed. This was unbearably degrading.

I was downcast today, had to bear this dull, suffocating pain, but I didn’t know Valencia, the winner, would be the one I cried for. I heard about this infamous fight after the game, between my beloved Valen and the factually defeated Inter. It didn’t surprise me that they both got too excited. Understandable. I didn’t expect myself to burst into tears viewing the photos of Valen boys being beaten. This pain I couldn’t suppress. I couldn’t endure. I know the love I have for Valen. It’s different from the way I love Real Madrid, but the same as how I love Spain. The same unreasonable love, regardless of the distance and time. I know well that this is because of the large number of Spanish boys in Valen. But anyway, I love them, I adore them so much. I can’t bear to see them being chased everywhere on the field and being bullied. I know the boys are as tolerant as ever, they are lovely children. They have got the bones. But I hate Inter, I loathe them for their savageness and barbarity. I wouldn’t expect them to have the basic respect for the host, because they are uncontrollably hysteric and maniac. BUT THEY BEAT THE BOYS! I cant’ express this intense hatred I have, my heart aching and burning so much. Inter, you made the boys bear the pain, you made them victim to your madness, you made me cry. You shameless fiend. I WONT FORGET. More painful is that among the inter players, there are my beloved Argentineans, which leaves me speechless. Sense the wound in silence.

It simply hurts.

Final decision

2007-03-06T19:18:00.000+08:00

Posting results are out today. Well, I can stay, as expected. So this is the school that I am going to look at and touch and smell and wander about for the next two years, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. second by second, to sense it, to remember the colous of the flowers, to feel the greenness, to lean on the walls. To laugh, to meditate, to take pictures, to create memories, and finally, to recall.

I love this school immensely.

Still concerned about something.
I am still not informed if my new subject combi is approved...I fear that my SL1 is a trouble and I cant be fit into any class. The worst thing is that they do not allow me to switch, which seems unlikely to happen. Second to that, they may force me to change class. Oh no I really really dont want to leave this class. This sense of connection is already formed and I am getting used to everything in our class. Or they may change my subject order. That's not so much a problem, except that I get to see my classmates less. Seems a bit isolated, strolling about without a company. Anyway I just want to know their decision ASAP... I cant wait...
Another thing. Oh well about PS. Let's see how it goes tomorrow. It's not I am reserved or shy or something. I want to talk but somehow have this inertia to remain silent and just keep watching and listening. Maybe I am too used to observation.

Yes, history ROCKS! Today's hist class was really FUN. At first I was uncomfortable being in the new classroom and seeing unfamiliar faces. And it was messy..well...so I felt a bit foreign and lost. And frankly speaking I was a bit scared of Higher history people. (well all these feelings originated from two years ago, in the lit class...) I had expected them to lecture in an authoritative and commanding manner which would make me uneasy....but I was totally WRONG! haha. I laughed so much I wanted to bang my head onto the table... And I adored the fifteen-minute break! I never knew it would be so 热闹 at that time along the corridor...all the people came out except for the poor economists. I admit I am evil. I looked at the econ class the same way I, as an Elit student, used to look at the CLit class in the past two years. Sigh. Anyway it is not impossible that I'll return to that class. Who knows? Poor me. seems like I've been grounded for two months. By Econs.

And Spanish! Yo soy perezora porque no estudio. I am thrilled that at this stage I can construct a sentence that describes me so well.

But anyway, RM is going to play against Bayern in two days' time so I am really tense.

Whos the featureless name in the tagboard? So lack of imagination, didnt even bother to create an impressive name, haha. Oh I hate this tagboard. I cant use it. Everytime shows me the blank stupidity after I click the "Go", which irritates me. I am wondering why this tagboard must be so stubborn, accepting everybody's message except for mine.

problematic study time

2007-03-05T20:58:00.000+08:00

How is that I keep being distracted? I find myself unable to concentrate. Have this nameless feeling nagging at me, i cant figure it out. the australia poem is so mean, i cant bother to read it, let alone to interpret it...and to produce an thousand-word essay. i have always complained about penning down an essay...it hurts my fingers. And to write an essay in the dim yellow lamplight makes me feel solitary, although it does set me thinking. but at this moment i just cant settle myself down to do the work...Thats why im blogging here, and remembering the happy old times in crez photog.

I miss our president...dear fanny, shes in taiwan now. last time she mentioned we are going out when shes back, but when? and tmr the posting results will be out. I really want to have an outing with fanny lily sinthu and all the other "orange" photographers. Hopefully I will see some of them at SYPC. and some of the juniors as well. But in different uniform, this time...

So tragically hilarious. Yumi and I met exactly the same problem today. What's different is that she can lament aloud. She is so carefree.

Anyway I'd better go study Spanish.

Quiero que estés cerca de mí para no tener miedo.

2007-03-05T18:04:00.000+08:00

Feel fooled by myself, in one way or another.
Feel blindly angry, blindly powerless, blindly sad.
Yes, life is full of irony, inevitably.

Si estoy soñando, no me dejes despertar.

And who's there to end this endless dream?

Quiero que estés cerca de mí para no tener miedo.

元宵节

2007-03-04T22:37:00.000+08:00

Je vous aime. Merci beaucoup.
Os quiero. Muchos gracias.

It's still laborious for me to form sentences as simple as these. Somehow French seems easier. Spanish is confusing in terms of the sentence structure. I am afraid the one constructed above is colloquial or Latin American or something. Don't know. Have nobody to check with.

Depressed.
My thoughts are in a turmoil.
And feel uncertain.
Have to reflect. Upon anything. Upon nothing.
Have to sleep.
Have to dream.
Have to wake up.
Have to realize that dreams are only illusions.
Then what follows?

Let it be.

Going beyond la bourgeoisie

2007-03-02T21:50:00.000+08:00

BOURGEOIS is a fashionable term nowadays (I mean, back in China...), but I was born a CAPITALIST. Limited resources+Unlimited wants= Scarcity. I have the wants of a capitalist but not the financial back-up, and this is really depressive. Well, it takes TIME and a LOT of HARD WORK to be a mature capitalist. /smiling sarcastically/ For my bunch of luxurious hobbies and habits.

I admit that I am spoilt by myself ( well, in the first place, thanks to the support from los padres), and now I am wilful, sometimes to the point of disregard ( of the so-called social convention???) and defiance. Anyway. One hour ago I suddenly had the urge to eat whipped potato so just anyhow ordered KFC, without considering...well, whatever. Okay now I am fed up with it. It was then when my 二徒弟 "blamed" me for being a "spoilt kid"....Well I am, I have always been one. Back in china my teachers were wordless about my careless attitude. Really, I just didn't care. I may seem frightening when I don't care, but I think I am horrifying when I do care... like now...

Oh I was thinking of going to Europe in Junio for my cam's sake. I owe it a lot, at least I feel this way. Dont know where this feeling originated. The cost is a problem. Other than that...I don't want to go alone. Need to find some current / ex- school mates to go together. I have always had this sense of insecurity anyway, so it's better for me to have some company. My roommate was saying to me that we might go malasia but I think she was quite discouraged by my instant refusal. If I go travelling, Europe will be the only destination. Otherwise I'll just stay here and work on the two or three or four languages. And of course take photos. At least now there is the possibility that my 二徒弟 may agree to travel with me. That's good. But it'll be better if...haiz.

Today was wasted, again. Did nothing to do with Français or Español whatsoever. This weekend Barça is going to play against Seville. Bonne chance, dear.

Today´s post is even more random.

p.s. one more thing...heard about this scandalous news that they are going to apply some stupid change to crescent uniform...only CUATRO buttons are to be shown. My poor juniors, if this is true, they will look no different from the working おばあさん...Didn´t know the mdm whatever can be so creative, she should demonstrate first in order to be more convincing.

Longing but not belonging?

2007-03-01T14:46:00.000+08:00

Yes I really care TOO much about it.The more you care, the more awkward you are. It's like you meet a long-lost friend, and dont know how to deal with him. You try to draw you two closer to each other, but you simply dont know how to break the ice. Because you care too much, you are so unwilling to displease the other, so much so that you dare not act. When you are so much in it, you cant not see the whole picture, you cant sense what others sense, you dont know what is your next move. And you get anxious. You keep this anxiety to yourself as well. Exactly what I feel now, and I AM awkward. What are the things I really care, in this PS, and how on earth have they made me so awkard, so much not myself? This one is not to be compared to the one in the past, this one means much more to me. But this is a difficult beginning. Two months has passed and I am still aimless directionless powerless. All passive, just letting everything go on their own accord, not putting any effort to make a change. It doesnt work even if I give loads of excuses to comfort myself, because I know doubtlessly that my own attitude dominates my situation.

Now I have to question myself:
-Do you love it?
-Yes, definitely. Without compromise. Well, with desperation.
So, "it's in my hands I won't let it go", remember this? Time elapses without mercy, I don't have much time left. Let me count. There are about 14 months? How will the future be like? And how am I going to react?

How confusing. I don't know the answers, frankly speaking.

It seems I ponder too much on it, on those troublesome matters. It weighs too much to me, I just can't let go the thoughts. Every detail I subconsciously try to interpret the undertone, every instant I cant make myself neglect, I always seem to be the lonely one, cast alone by myself, because I CARE TOO MUCH, to the extent of sorrow. I am not exaggerating, or I dont mean to be exaggerating. But in fact, I may be amplifying my own feelings.

So does it mean that all the troubles are made by myself? Whoooops..

My thoughts seem so random today....Yes they are. And I am secretly and silently emotional.

PS. Do you understand this post? You say you dont understand? Tres bien. I am so glad.

¡Adíos, Crescent!

2007-02-28T20:54:00.000+08:00

I didnt know that after two months' life in ACS I would still think of Crescent. Nostalgia was what I felt this morning, when I noticed that the bagpipe band was so shockingly different from crescentian band. I do not merely mean the instruments. The pure, sorrowfree, relaxed old times, they are not to be replaced. Still remember the time when I stood behind the young musicians taking photos of them, I was so moved, so touched, so overwhelmed by the piety expressed. Felt like crying, time after time, every single moment when I heard the Lion King music. Oh my fellow crescentians, they have powerful expressions, with the passion being their blessing. Youthful. Energetic. Confident. Upholding the belief that they can excel, and that they will excel. That's the portrait of my school mates, my dearest fellow crescentians.

But sometimes it is a cruel thing to look back. Retrospection is somehow associated with disillusionment and reality. You will have to realise that Time has always rushed past us, breathless, non-stop. I mean the two years. Gone, in an instant. Oh today I bought the new uniform, so it's really the time to say goodbye. To Crescent. The school where I used to feel so much at home. Felt sheltered. Crescent has never been exclusive. The sense of tolerance and unity is simply heartwarming. Cant help but smile when I recall the first time I saw the yellow and blue uniform. I used to think it weird. But now, it is no longer a mere slogan to say the colours are emblematic of the "pure and true" elements. And " zeal and zest". Yes. That's how Crescentians are. After O Level Lit exams I stood alone at the corridor and gazed at the palm tree. It was so green, how pure the colour was, and how soothing and blissful the tone. I could almost sense the sun rays dancing and vibrating with life, on the green green leaves. The greenest leaves. Anchored themselves in my heart, tenderly, profoundly. A nameless warmth and a sense of security whose origin is not identified. And, non-existence of loneliness, as if every single floating air molecule, although invisible, was a wonderful company. The silence was delightful. No more emptiness within. So full of unspoken joy. Those days in Crescent make me feel the urge to sing, to leap, and...to take photos.

Sigh. The PS. It used to make me so terribly reminiscent about Yesterday. Those were simply happy times. Nothing but happiness. Wandering about taking pictures buying Mcdonalds. Sitting at the table chatting with others girls clad in orange. Talking about things relevant or irrelevant. Candid shots. Should have a lot I think, but nowhere to look for. Wide angle lens. Used the paper bag as a helmet for Lily. Oh the beach, and the spider with long long legs which made me shiver with...well, disgust. That was our second last session, in the black May when I stepped off and the void began. We attempted to spot the alphabet, the twenty-six letters which make up life. Fun. Preoccupied. People knew that to me, in crescent nothing compared to PS, it made my life so rich. I was rooted, anchored, conscious about my identity of being a photographer, with unchangeable loyalty. No that's not enthusiasm. That's the longing for a shelter where the soul is very much soothed. But you see, the past tense has to be used to narrate those times. So, it went away, the same way you cannot keep Yesterday. For the current PS I love it instinctively, unconditionally, although saddened at first. Well, not think about it. I don't know if it is proper to say it is the centre of my school life, well the teachers won't be too happy about it. But emotionally, it seems true. Without it I might just transfer school (I have always been so wilful). One may say that is a form of entanglement, but I am willing to devote myself to it. Cant do without. As simple as this. I still feel a bit lost and disconnected now, but no more confusion. Its mere existence is enough, telling me that I do belong to it. No regret whatsoever. It seems ironic to me now that at the beginning I once thought of changing to a new CCA, but before I stepped into the audi I felt so tense (and speaking frankly, so sweetly tense as if going for a dating...)at the thought of the unknown PS. And the moment I saw the booth, I felt so comfortable I didnt want to leave it. Oh PS. It makes me feel settled, bringing me the calmness within. And strenth as well. It may seem to others that I am over-sensitive, but my love is incomprehensible to an outsider. The absence of such love will lead to the unbearable lightness of life. I am quite sure of this.

And I may be saying goodbye to my current history class. Which saddened me, unexpectedly. I didnt know I would feel so connected to this class, the people, familiar or unfamiliar, anyway difficult to be separated when it became a habit to see them. We'll miss you, the teacher said. True or not, it doesn't matter. But I know I am going to miss them. Indeed.

Con te partiro. Time to say goodbye, the duet of Bocelli and Sarah, it cant be more familiar to me. I have always loved it,but as this moment, it does not appeal so much to me as another song does. Everytime I turn around, and you're nowhere to be found. Things ARE like this. You have to put up with the loss. You have to experience the stormy or, at least, disturbed emotions. Still got a long long way to go, before I can say goodbye. Oh no, the melancholy.

The blog. The Dreams

2007-02-25T16:13:00.000+08:00

Done. Finally created this blog. I admit that I'm perfectionist and still wish that it can be modified. But I am lazy. Just hope that it wont have such a short life span as my previous blog did. Existed for less than 30 hour I suppose. Well, it is possible that this one may also disappear at any moment. Let it be. But I love this template. The nostalgic tone it expresses. Reminds me of Time. 指隙流年。The years.

Oh the dreams I had these days. They are simply disquieting, disturbing. Deprived me of the peace within. I knew I am emotional and unreasonable sometimes, but the dreams still shocked me. I felt as if my hidden emotions were suddenly exposed and I just did not want to face them. Oppressed as if trapped. Which I hate most. Dreams are just dreams, I may calm myself down this way, but dreams do tell. They are wild, uncontrolled, as they live in a world of darkness, where I lose power--is it so? Or in that world where unrestrained spirit rules, I actually gain power. So much so that I can stare at myself, stare at my own thoughts and feelings. Do this without fear. So, that might be a truer self. Oh I am wordless. I dread it. I dread myself. I dread what I actually feel. Now I am much more soothed than yesterday. If this were posted yesterday, I do not how it would appear like. I might be babbling out those random thoughts as if traumatized. Smile ( as a sign of resignation?)

Anyway. Dreams ARE dreams. No physical wounds even if they haunt me. And actually no pain. Just feel confined.

Torres scored. Oh well. I have always been a peaceful and tolerant soccer fan, but I really cannot stand him. This is really unusual as I rarely view a Spanish boy negatively. Considering his nationality I would just express my discontentment through a sigh but.... I just cannot make myself like him. He will never be 金童。How cheap a word, nowadays so devalued by the media. It is true that he has speed, but not inspiration. And not leadership. I still remember how pale and helpless he looked in World Cup. I cannot get rid of this memory. Sigh. Don't tell me that he is still young and inexperienced. That's no an excuse. Look at Christiano. Don't tell me Spanish boys mature late. Look at my Cesc. Look at Iniesta. Don't tell me that he is a striker, different from midfielders. Look at David. Don't tell me that he is Torres and that I am not supposed to compare him with others. But he ought to play his role. Okay. He did well in the match against my RM. Congrats Torres. But my hopes don't lie on him. I just don't want to be disappointed after hopes are raised.

Yesterday Babie smsed me: Miss you. Didn't have time to reply then. Now I'm going to tell her about this blog.